"Lieutenant Starbuck?"

Starbuck blinked with surprise when he saw the security guard standing outside the door to the barracks. His first thought was But I haven't done anything... "Uh, can I help you?" he said, frantically searching his memory for any reason why he should be honored with a visit from security.

"Perhaps you heard about the shuttle accident yesterday?"

Instantly Starbuck's face froze into an immitation of a pleasant expression. Accident, my ass, he thought, but kept his mouth shut and merely nodded. The so-called "accident" had been caused by a member of the Council of the Twelve, who had insisted that the fighters were not performing at optimal levels, and demanded the right to observe the next engagement from a shuttle. Sire Tibbins had paid dearly for his insistence. The Cylons had no qualms about striking at an unarmed shuttle while the Vipers were engaged defending the agroships.

"The pilot, an Ensign Kreska, was badly injured, beyond hope of recovery, and asked for mercy."

Starbuck nodded again, puzzled now. What did this have to do with him, anyway?

"The ensign was most insistant that you receive this. He wouldn't rest until I promised to convey it to you personally." The security man held out a flat object. More puzzled than ever, Starbuck took it.

It was an old-fashioned book. He opened it and found that it was a hand-written diary. He looked up at the guard. "Thank you- but did the ensign say why he wanted me to have this? It looks like a personal diary."

The guard shrugged. "All he said was that this had to get to you, and that you had to read it. And now, if you'll excuse me?"

Starbuck nodded, attention already on the puzzle of why an unknown ensign would insist with his dying breath that a stranger read his personal log.

He shut the door and turned the lights up to a level suitable for reading, then sat down and started flipping through the book. There weren't really that many entries- no more than a quarter of the book was written in, and it wasn't that large to begin with. Random words flashed past his eyes: Viper, today, saw, the, flight, Apollo...

Starbuck saw Apollo's name and stopped. What did the kid have to say about his buddy? Hmm...

Saw Apollo again today. It was just for a moment, not even long enough to say hello, but I did get to see him. Lords, but he looked awful. Has ever since that asshole tore strips out of him. If I ever get my hands on that Starbuck, I'll rip him a new one. Can't he see what he's doing to my Apollo? He doesn't deserve his love.

2.6.0, AD Well, I did it. It might be rather silly of me, but I went ahead and did it anyway- I bought a diary. A real, old-fashioned diary- red binding, antique graphite stick, the whole nine yards. So here I sit, in my corner of the hellhole I have to call home now, prepared to pour my heart into this shiny little red book. Wonder if anyone'll ever read this? Hope not- these diary things are supposed to be intensely personal, after all, a sanctuary where you can dump your innermost thoughts and be assured that no one will ever know them.

So in that spirit, I think I'll call this thing the Book of Dreams. Pretentious? Maybe. I don't care, though. You see, this entire diary idea was brought on by my overload of dreams. I need a place to set my thoughts down, before they can be destroyed by Cylons or lost to the random misfiring of memory engrams in my poor addled brain.

You know, it's been two sectares since the Destruction, and I think I'm finally beginning to realize what this means.

Frack! Here come my mom and sister. Better put this away now.

2.7.0, AD Maybe today I'll get to write more. Mom and Gilly have gone off to one of the other ships- I think she's got a boyfriend already. Damn her, Dad's only been dead for a few sectons... what the hell does she think she's doing, going off and getting laid already? Show some respect, for Sagan's sake...

Ah, well- like I should talk. I had a real eye-opening experience today. Remember back on Caprica, when all hell was coming down on our heads, and Rilao got killed right in front of me, and the Colonial Warriors were nowhere to be found? Well, I sure as hell do. And I also remember what happened later- one warrior did come, far too late to save us, but he did come. And he brought Commander Adama with him, the sole surviving member of the Council. After Adama made his lovely speech and got everyone all stirred up to leave the smoking wreck that was Caprica, the warrior helped me out. He gave me a hand with pulling that gods-be-damned roof timber off my father, then he soothed my mother out of her hysterics over seeing Rill killed, and he helped me find Gilly. And you know what? I found out who he is today. I saw him right on the IFB. His name is Apollo, and he's Commander Adama's son. And he's beautiful.

Starbuck blinked. He hadn't known about Apollo helping rescue Capricans- somehow, he'd thought the man had spent his entire time on the surface of the dying world chasing after Serina. And he'd never consciously thought of Apollo as beautiful. He started to turn back to the diary, then saw the time and swore. He'd forgotten about his duty shift- but if he hurried, he could still make it to the flight deck with about ten microns to spare.

* * * * * * * *

The little red book sat, nearly forgotten, for several days while Starbuck went on about his life. Then one day he remembered it, and made a point to sit down and read it after patrol.

2.9.0, AD You'll probably notice that I missed writing in you yesterday. Well, sorry about that, but I was kinda busy. I started to tell you before- I saw the beautiful Captain Apollo on IFB a couple days ago. He was issuing a call for recruits to the Colonial Fleet. And what's this to do with me? you ask. And well you should, because I'm known far and wide as the peaceful dreamer with his head stuck in the clouds. But you see, I'm going slowly insane in here. This hole they've allotted us is barely enough for a rat to turn round in, let alone two adults and a child- for all that Mother's always off seeing her new flame, and takes Gilly with her more often than not. And what the hell am I supposed to do with myself here, anyway? Take up my chosen craft of metalweaving, right here in the middle of a refugee tub? I think not. Even if I could get hold of the proper wire for a good weave, I doubt there's anyone interested in objects of pure artistic merit. Probably'd get melted down for scrap...

So I did it. I went and enlisted, with a preference for pilot training. I left a note for my mother. Wonder if she'll give a flying fat damn that I've gone? I don't think she's even talked to me in a secton. And I don't know why, either- unless she blames me for letting Rilao take a shot? Hell, there was no way I could have stopped that, no way at all.

So here I am, sitting in the barracks, with good lighting all around and a real bed. I'm on top. You have no idea how good it feels to have room to stretch, to have light- to have FRESH AIR. That hellhole smelled absolutely putrid. But here, the air is clean, because- get this- not only do they allow recruits to take showers, they *require* recruits to be clean at all times. Amazing, after two sectares of stinky hell, where a turbowash was only a dimly remembered luxury, and hygiene consisted of a bucket and a thrice-damned grimy washrag. And you know what's even better? That was the dinner bell I just heard.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Starbuck said. "I requested permission to check on the living conditions of the freighter Alcestis."

"Heard, but didn't understand. Why would you want to do that?" Apollo cocked his head, giving his friend a puzzled look.

"There's some new recruits from that ship, and I overheard them talking about how awful it was there. I just wanted to see if it really is true, that someone is preventing the people from getting their full water ration." He knew that would get Apollo, and it did. He immediately shut down whatever he was doing on the computer and rose.

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, buddy? Come on, let's go check this out."

2.10.0 So here I am again. I've managed to find a way to write without causing a problem- there's a tiny little light attached to this book right now, and everyone else is asleep. I should be too. Damn, I'm tired. Today was the first day of real training, designed to make the weak of heart drop out. If I didn't know I have nothing to go back to, I probably would have done so. But it'll be worth it. Because he's here. He came into the barracks today, after the hellish training felgercarb, to see the new recruits. I drooled. I couldn't help myself. I don't think he remembers me- not surprising, considering the circumstances we met under, but I can't help but remember him. Wonder if I'll ever get up the nerve to talk to him? Or get the opportunity, for that matter. I'm going to bed now.

2.11.0 You know, I can hardly believe this. It's been three days- count 'em, three. And here I am, with a full belly and a bed all of my own, and I just had a shower. A real one- steamed up the turbowashroom so badly that I couldn't even see my reflection in the mirror. And you know what? I should feel guilty, but I don't. I feel full. And clean. I regret that Gil is stuck with mom, but there's no way in seven hells I'm going to go back, so why should I bother feeling guilty? That's just a waste of time. 2.12.0 Made an important discovery today. Apollo checks up on the recruits fairly often. Like, every couple of days. Good. I'm glad.

Okay, do me a favor here, would ya? I have to ask you to never tell anyone this. Not only would they think I'm nuts for talking to a book- as if they didn't already think I'm nuts for writing in the damn thing in the first place- but they'd think I've lost it, gone straight off the deep end and into a far orbit. 'cause you see, I had the most amazingly spectacular sex dream last night, and it's made me look at Apollo in a whole new way. I heard today that the Captain has been known to swing my way- that the whole relationship he has going with that newscaster lady is a cover up.

Wait a minute, you say. Where's all this info coming from? Well, I'll tell you. Boredom leads to gossip, in the barracks as much as anywhere. Especially since we're all between eighteen and twenty-one yahrens. And tonight the subject was Captain Apollo. I'm not the only one who thinks he's hot stuff- Rickert, Daras, and Carolos also have developed an appreciation for our Captain's finer points. Which causes mixed feelings in me- like I'm not already confused enough, what with that dream and all, plus the way seeing him makes me get all tingly inside, now I've got rivals. Yeah, right, you say- rivals for a man's attention, when that man is already taken twice over. How was I to know when I saw him that he was engaged, and on top of that, rumor has it he's been in love with his best friend for yahrens? 'course, that friend doesn't give a damn, more fool him.

Starbuck set the diary down in his lap, staring sightlessly at the blank wall in front of him. ...in love with his best friend for yahrens...

Of course, he knew this. It wasn't anything new. He'd figured it out yahrens ago, and made it clear to Pol that he just didn't swing that way. No problem, no fuss- friendship continued. But other people weren't supposed to know about it! That was their little secret, no one could know, because what if word got back to Adama...

Gossip in the barracks. It happened all the time, was a normal and accepted part of military life- but he wasn't used to people gossiping about how Apollo loved him. Damn. And this from a snot-nosed kid, a raw recruit with nothing going for him-

Instant guilt stabbed him. Of course the kid had nothing going for him- he was dead. So, for that matter, was Serina. And Apollo- he suddenly wondered if Apollo had known this recruit, this Ensign Kreska, at all. Perhaps his grief over Serina had vanished so abruptly with the aid of this hero-worshipping boy?

Starbuck shook his head violently to clear it of unwelcome thoughts and emotions. He put the book aside and left, to catch the next shuttle for the Rising Star and a good card game.

2.15.0 Well, I'm back- been too busy studying to even think about writing. But today was a restday, and something so incredibly wonderful happened that I just have to share it with you. I caught a shuttle over to the agroship today, and was walking through the simulated parkland they've made- true, it's nowhere near as nice as a real park, but it beats the sterile grey environment of a battleship. Even the 'ponics deck in Environmental has that, you know, structured, rigid, *military* look about it, but not this. I found a spot under a tree. There was a nice hologram of a waterfall, a bench, and even simulated sunlight. (And yes, I know as well as you do it's generated by the computer to make the plants grow better. That doesn't make sitting in it any less pleasant.) So I was sitting there, daydreaming as usual, when someone walked up and stopped.

"Oh!" he said, and I looked up and saw him- Captain Apollo. "I wasn't expecting anyone to be here," he says, and I just stared. Then I got hold of myself and smiled. I said hello, or something like that- not entirely sure what came out. Then he turned away, and I said "Wait! Don't go!"

Would you believe he stayed? He even talked to me! I can't believe this- here, let's see if I can remember some of what he said. (Oh, okay- I'll admit it- I can recite the entire conversation from memory. So I'm obsessive. Big deal.)

"There's no reason two people can't share a patch of simulated sunlight, is there?" I said. Can you believe it? Something actually came out right, the way I intended it.

So he said, "I suppose there isn't." He sat down on the bench beside me and I couldn't help grinning like an idiot. "Don't I know you from somewhere?" he says, and got that little crinkle between his eyes that he gets when he's thinking hard.

"You probably don't remember- you were very busy that day. But you helped me out on Caprica-"

"Your father had been trapped under a beam- yes, I remember now. So now you're a recruit- what's hapened to the rest of your family?"

"They're over on the Alcestis- my mother and sister are the only survivors. But I haven't heard from them lately."

"That's not good. Family is important. But what about yourself? How have you settled in?"

"I've been enjoying the warrior training so far," I said. 'course, I left out the bit that I was only enjoying it because of his random visits... "You were a great inspiration to me." That was safe enough, because he was- I just wouldn't tell him how many ways he'd inspired my dreams.

He looked a bit uncomfortable about that, then smiled. "Well, I suppose that's good, if someone finds me inspiring. Serina said something like that, before she-"

"What happened, sir?" He looked so sad, I wanted to reach out and give him a hug- but that just wouldn't do, not when he was my superior officer.

"Serina died a few days ago," he said.

"Oh," was all I could say for a moment. "I'm sorry to hear that."

He smiled again, although it was full of sadness. "Don't be- I'm not, anymore. Her death made me realize that there are some things I shouldn't try to change- that there's a reasson things are the way they are, and if you go against the intentions of the gods, all you get is heartache and trouble."

I stared at him. I looked right into his eyes- green, by the way, really lovely- and just stared. When I finally figured out something to say, I said "Yeah."

Real profound, I know.

Anyway, then he touched me- put a hand right on my arm, and my heart jumped right up into my throat. He smiled- I know he saw my reaction, but I was too distracted by the fact that he was touching me to even blush. "And since I know better than to try and change things," he said, "I've been able to accept them a lot easier. Damn what people think, because I am my own man, and I will live my life as the gods intended me to. That's what I learned from Serina's death."

"Sounds like a good lesson." The way the fake sunlight was hitting his eyes- I could have stared forever. "Maybe one I need to take to heart as well."

His smile widened, then he stood up. I almost whimpered when he let go of my arm. Damn. "Thank you for sharing your bench and companionship with me," he said, and then left.

Wow. See, I really do remember the whole thing word for word.... and I'm glad.

2.16.0 Oh, dear gods.

2.17.0 Well, I think my mind has come out of shock enough to write about this now- it's been over a day, and the endless litany in my head of "oh dear gods!" has settled down into a feeling of amazed disbelief. Wow. You want to know what's set my little heart all a-flutter? Three guesses, and the first two don't count.

Yep- you got it- it's Apollo. He asked me out on a date.

2.20.0 Is it tomorrow yet? Because that's when it's happening. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Rising Star with Apollo, to a club called Rainbow.

Hmm... looks like I never did get around to telling about when he asked me out. Well, it's like this- we were talking again. This time I don't remember every word, because it was overshadowed by what happened after... but I digress. We were talking about something in the barracks, and I remember seeing Daras watching, absolutely green with envy. But after one of his surprise inspections, the Captain had stopped to talk to me... wow. Then that friend of his showed up, that Lieutenant Starbuck. Everyone loves him, but I'll tell you what- first time I laid eyes on him, I hated him. Well, maybe not hated- hate is for Cylons and Baltar. But I really disliked him. Here was a man who could have the heart of Captain Apollo, free for the taking, and who couldn't care less... makes my blood boil. Anyway, the asshole says to the Captain, "What are you doing here? I've been looking all over for you."

"Just paying a visit to the cadets. It's part of my job, after all."

"Yeah, but you've been off-duty for centares. You need to quit working so hard- get out, have some fun."

"With you, I suppose." Apollo was smiling, but I chose to take the words as hopeful- that maybe Apollo was becoming a bit disillusioned with Starbuck.

"Of course, with me. Who else makes you go out and have fun? You work too hard."

"He's right, you know," I said. I was determined not to let Starbuck dominate Apollo's attention- foolish, perhaps, but there it was. I just don't like being ignored.

"You think so, hmm?" Apollo looked at me, considering. Then he smiled- a happy, enticing smile, with a hint of mischief about it. "Then help me fix the problem. Secton's end, Rainbow- you on?"

I'm not sure whose jaw dropped farther, mine or Starbuck's. But I recovered first, which is what counts.

"Sounds good to me."

I smiled, Starbuck stared, and Apollo looked surprised and satisfied, at the same time.

So, like I said- is it tomorrow yet?

Starbuck closed the journal and leaned back in his chair. So, Kreska had seen him as competition, huh? Hardly surprising. What was surprising was that Apollo had made a play for the younger man. Starbuck remembered the incident, now- hadn't even known the cadet's name that Apollo had asked out right under his nose. All he'd realized was that Apollo was showing interest in someone other than him- still a bit of a shock now, sectares later, after both Serina and Kreska were dead and gone. Jealous? Perhaps. He was supposed to be the one who came first in Apollo's heart. Never mind that he'd shoved Apollo away for yahrens- no, that wasn't important. What was important was that, up until the Destruction, he'd been able to count on Apollo's love. And now he couldn't. That was a distinctly unpleasant feeling.

He considered throwing the journal away and just pretending he'd never seen it, but a kind of morbid fascination made him open it up again and resume reading.

2.22.0 It's late, I just got back in- actually it's early, something like 0300 or some other godsawful zero-dark-hundred, and I just got back. I didn't know it was possible to have that much fun with your clothes on. I promise a full report later, but for now I just had to say I had so much fun and Apollo is a damn good kisser.

Starbuck snarled wordlessly.

2.22.0 (later- evening now) Spent most of today with Apollo. Oh, dear gods- the man is incredible! He's only eight yahrens or so older than I am, but he's seen and done so much more... We talked for centares. I got the strangest feeling, like maybe today this was the first time he'd ever really talked to anyone except Starbuck. At first, that was all he could talk about- Starbuck this, and Starbuck that, and on and on until I wanted to scream. But then he stopped in the middle of a sentence about Starbuck and looked at me and apologized. He said he was sorry for going on and on about Starbuck, but the man had played a very important part in his life for a long time. And then I smiled and said it's all right, and reached out and took his hands. (Well, why shouldn't I? He could hardly keep his hands to himself last night, after all- not that I'm complaining, mind you.) And then I said, "I understand. But you know what? I'd like to play a very important part in your life now."

And then, while I was getting over the shock of actually having said that, he smiled at me and said, "You already do, Kreska."

I almost died!

And then he was kissing me again. I admit, I haven't got much experience with kissing people, men or women, but damn- Apollo is by far and away the best. Oh baby, is he ever the best. And just thinking about it is making me want to go hunt him up and corner him and kiss him some more- along with other things, of course. But something tells me Apollo is going to have to be the one to make the first move. He's been hurt so often, I don't want to scare him away- and knowing me, I'd bungle it somehow. I've always been rather awkward with the relationship thing. Which was probably why I was still living at home when the Cylons attacked- but never mind that. What's it matter if I was a shy goober who couldn't earn enough to live on his own and couldn't find anyone to have a meaningful relationship with? That goober died in the Destruction, and a Colonial Warrior-to-be was born in his place. A Warrior with a future- assuming I can survive the last week of cadet training, I'll get inducted into the ranks as an ensign, and I'll have some kind of future with Apollo. Of course, I'll have to bust ass and make rank quickly- once I'm inducted, Apollo could get into big trouble for "fraternizing" with an ensign. Ah well- not like we don't already have to keep things discrete, what with his father and all.

2.23.0 So- how long has this been? I've known who Apollo is for what- since the seventh. That's- let's see- that's a hair over two sectons. And in that time, I've gone from the stereotypical "worshipping-from-afar" type thing, to being damn near head-over-heels in love. Not that I'd tell him that, of course, but I think he can tell. Holy gods, but he's incredible... and yes, I saw him again today. He told me he wanted to see as much of me as possible before I become an ensign. Wow! I thought I was going to burst. We've already made plans for next restday- he's taking me out to the Rising Star.

Starbuck had had enough. The sappy, lovestruck cadet's description of how Apollo was courting him was really getting under his skin. Dammit, Apollo was his- couldn't the man remember that he had said he'd love Starbuck forever? And what about your response to that, hmm? nagged his conscience. Wasn't that when you told him you don't want his love, only his friendship? Or was that the time you laughed at him and told him you hoped his father never found out he was a little fairy-boy?

Starbuck squirmed. He gave the open book on his lap a dubious look, then raised it again and skimmed through the mushy romantic felgercarb until he found the comment that had started him reading the thing in the first place- the one about how he'd hurt Apollo.

3.14.0 Saw Apollo again today. It was just for a moment, not even long enough to say hello, but I did get to see him. Lords, but he looked awful. Has ever since that asshole tore strips out of him. If I ever get my hands on that Starbuck, I'll rip him a new one. Can't he see what he's doing to my Apollo? He doesn't deserve his love.

3.18.0 Okay. I've made a point of finding a bit of privacy, and a lot of time to myself. I have to get this out of my system, before I explode or kill someone. I am *so* incredibly pissed off at Starbuck. I haven't even had a chance to tell you what he did- since I made Ensign, I've been even busier than before. You thought twelve centare training courses were bad- well, now I've got training for four centares, plus an eight-centare duty shift. Or sometime's it's reversed- duty first, then training in the evening. Ugh. Flying a shuttle's not bad, but the rotating duty sucks- I guess they want me to learn every damn job a Warrior could be expected to do.

Anyway, bitching aside, what's really on my mind is Starbuck. Imagine that. He hurt Apollo, hurt him bad. Typical Starbuck thoughtlessness. Damn him.

Okay, let's see if I can even write this without getting pissed all over again. Yeah, right.

Apollo came to the training room- what, four days ago now? Think so. He walked in the room, almost near the end of the day. I'd already done my duty shift. I can still see his expression- cold, remote. "Ensign Kreska- my office, now." was all he said. I admit, my guts turned to an ice cube- I was thinking what the frack did I do? And everyone looked at me, with the same question on their faces. 'course, some of 'em had that nasty little gloating look- you know, the ones that don't like me. But Apollo turned and left, and I had no choice but to follow. So I did. The door to his office was closed when I got there. I opened it and went in. He was sitting with his head in his hands, shoulders slumped- it's a picture that I'll never forget, that proud and confident man reduced to a defeated nothing. He looked up when I shut the door and all hell was in his eyes. I couldn't think for a minute, then I went over to him and knelt down by his side. I said, "What did Starbuck do this time?"

Shit.

Poor man. He just shook his head and wrapped his arms around me and held on for dear life. I rubbed his back and waited and eventually he told me about what had happened.

Oh, frack- gotta go. There's someone here.

Okay, they're gone now. Anyway, what had happened was that Starbuck threw a temper tantrum. Seems he didn't like it that Apollo was finding something else to do with his time, rather than spend it all with the lovely lieutenant. So Starbuck really tore into him, about how he was never around anymore, and what kind of friend did he think he was, and why didn't he give a shit, and all sorts of similar nasty felgercarb. What an asshole. He even tried pulling a guilt trip on Apollo- about how Apollo was the only family he had, and how he was feeling all abandoned-

Gah. Excuse me while I go puke. Lousy bastard, doesn't he realize what he's doing to this man? This wonderful, caring, sensitive man, who hides his feelings because obviously his best friend doesn't want his love, and wastes no opportunity to tell him so. And Starbuck just doesn't give a shit. He stomps all over poor Apollo. 'course, that's good, in a way- you see who he turns to for comfort now. I can tell you, it certainly ain't Lieutenant Asshole. Sometimes I wish I could slap that man, or somehow shake some sense into his stupid head. Apollo loves him. Sure, Apollo cares about other people- especially me. And that makes me feel damn good, because I know I can make him very happy. He relaxes and smiles and has fun around me, and I love making him feel special and wanted. But I know who really comes first in his heart, and that sucks.

Maybe I should say I know who used to come first in his heart... I think Starbuck might have crossed the line with his little display the other day. What is wrong with that man? Why can't he just pull his head out of his homophobic ass long enough to realize what he's missing out on? I mean, yeah- if Starbuck did wake up and realize what he could have with Apollo, I'd lose out. But think how happy the poor Captain would be- might be worth it, to see the sadness gone from his eyes.

Ack, what am I saying? I should be happy Starbuck's such a boray. He stomps on Apollo, I get to come in and pick up the pieces. Should be a perfect situation- I get to cuddle and comfort the poor suffering Captain, he's grateful to me, realizes Starbuck's really a loser and falls madly in love with me. But it just doesn't work that way.

The book closed. Starbuck let it fall onto the cushion beside him, staring blindly at the wall. He hadn't realized- he hadn't even suspected- well, okay, maybe he had. There had been a flash of hurt in Pol's eyes, but he'd never realized he'd taken all that seriously. He'd been joking. Really, he had- just teasing, poking fun at the stuffy Captain, who never wanted to do anything... Some kind of friend you are, always hiding in your quarters with the comm turned off- found someone else, did ya? Well, that's okay- always knew you didn't really give a shit- and more, much more, until Pol had cut him off abruptly and left. He'd been teasing- smiling, laughing, poking Apollo in the ribs... not serious.

Well, okay- maybe a little bit serious, but Apollo wasn't supposed to know that.

And Pol had taken it that hard? Pol had been hurt badly by his joking around? Had to turn to this silly ensign for comfort? Had believed Starbuck was serious...

And Kreska. Damn, but that kid had taken a serious dislike to him somehow- not that Starbuck could really blame him. He could well remember having a rival for Apollo's attention in Serina- lords, how he'd hated that woman. He probably would have hated Kreska with equal ferocity if he'd known there was more to it than that one night out at Rainbow. And why? Just because his best friend was finding romantic interests?

No.

Because Apollo was showing interest in someone other than him.

Starbuck couldn't handle that thought. He rose, unerringly locating the bottle of ambrosa in the cupboard. He paused, though, hand wrapped around the neck of the bottle.

"No," he said aloud. "No more hiding. Don't bury the truth in drink. Figure this out your own damn self."

But first... He returned to the couch and the journal. there were only two more entries, both brief comments about how busy Kreska was and how hard it would be to see Apollo. The journal abruptly ended, cut off midlife by the foibles of the Council. The Cylons had damaged the shuttle badly- Sire Tibbins had been killed outright. Ensign Kreska had barely managed to bring the smoking hulk of scrap in, planting it against the hangar barriers, before he passed out. He'd only regained consciousness briefly, long enough to talk to the doctors and ask for mercy, and insist that Starbuck be given this journal.

Starbuck felt a deep sense of shame creep over him. It settled into his soul, eating at him like acid. Kreska was right. He didn't deserve Apollo's love. He was little more than the boray the ensign had seen him as- too afraid of his own feelings and of public opinion to give Apollo what he wanted, too self-absorbed to see what he had done to Apollo over the yahrens.

And worse yet, trying to keep Apollo from having any kind of life of his own. He'd push Apollo away, tell him he didn't want his love, yet make damn sure no one else got Apollo's love either...

Before he could think about what he was doing, he picked up the little red book and left his room. Apollo's quarters were four doors down and across the hall. He should be there now- off duty, and without any reason to be gone, since he'd lost his boyfriend and Starbuck had been avoiding him.

Still without thinking, without allowing himself to think or to fear the consequences of his actions, Starbuck pressed the doorchime. A moment later, Apollo opened the door. His eyes widened with surprise.

"Starbuck! What brings you here?"

"I need to talk to you, Apollo," Starbuck said. He looked at his oldest friend carefully- there were the telltale signs of stress: the strained expression, the bloodshot eyes, the slightly brittle look, like something that would shatter. But Starbuck knew better than that. Apollo would never shatter- no, he would just bottle everything up inside, and take it all out on the next batch of Cylons.

"Come in." Apollo stood aside, expressionless. Starbuck went inside and took a seat on the couch. "What's on your mind?"

"A lot." Starbuck flipped the book back and forth between his hands, nervous as hell now that he was actually in here. "Look," he said abruptly, when Apollo sat down, "I've been reading this, and thinking a lot lately. I think I owe you an apology."

Apollo blinked. "What for? And what is that, anyway?" He held out a hand, and Starbuck surrendered the book.

"It's Ensign Kreska's diary." Because Starbuck was watching, he caught the brief twisting of pain across Apollo's features, buried immediately beneath the layers of imperturable control.

"Oh."

The word hung there between them in an uncomfortable silence. Starbuck swallowed hard. "I never- I mean, I think part of me did realize, but- I never meant to... hells." He took a deep breath and tried to organize his thoughts.

"Spit it out, Starbuck." Apollo was holding the journal tightly, eyes bright with emotion.

"I've treated you badly." Starbuck looked away form those green eyes. He focused instead on his hands, clenched into fists and resting on his legs. "All these yahrens- I've been an asshole. And again, a couple sectons ago- I didn't realize you were taking the shit I was giving you seriously. I was just joking. Mostly."

"Starbuck..."

"No, Pol," he said, darting a glance at the Captain. "Let me finish. All these yahrens- ever since you told me-" he swallowed hard again. "-told me you love me. I've treated you like shit. Pushing you away. Then giving you hell when you try to find someone else. Jealous, not wanting you to love anyone but me- but not letting you love me- gods, Pol, how can you stand me? And then you find someone who was treating you right, and I go and pull the same shit- and-" He broke off, completely confused. Apollo sighed.

"Starbuck- what in hells are you trying to say?"

"That I'm sorry. That I'm an asshole, and probably don't deserve to be forgiven. And I'm trying to say that I really do care about you, and that it scares me pissless, but I still care anyway. And I don't want to be confused anymore, or treat you like shit anymore, or keep you from being happy."

Apollo shook his head. "Starbuck- look, I accepted the fact that you don't love me a long time ago. I've even learned to live with the way you act- it's just the way you are. Thoughtless, callous- yeah. But it's you, and I know you don't really intend to hurt. You have nothing to apologize for."

"But I do, Apollo- I really do." Starbuck raised his eyes from his hands with difficulty. "There's something I've never told you. It scares me to pieces. I don't want you being happy with anyone else- you know what I mean? But I've never been able to face it, always been afraid of what people would say if they knew about what I feel, what I dream about- can you help me?"

"Help you what?" Now Apollo looked confused. He set the diary carefully on the end table.

"Help me deal with this- figure out how to..." Starbuck struggled for the words to articulate what he was feeling.

"How to what?" Now Apollo was impatient.

"How to love you."

There. It was said. Starbuck felt like he was laid open, his innermost secret soul bare to the world- bare to the examination of this man in front of him. Apollo's eyes bored into him, searching for any trace of mockery or insincerity.

"Starbuck..." Apollo reached out, put a hand over one of Starbuck's. "What are you saying? Do you mean that you've decided, just like that, that it's okay to love another man and be damned with what people think?"

Starbuck couldn't look away. He was pinned into position by those green eyes, held for examination like a bug in the bio lab. "I- yes. If you can forgive me, if you still want me- if there's a chance you still care..."

Apollo's mouth twitched upwards, almost a smile. "Fat chance of me not caring anymore... but honestly, Starbuck, I play for keeps. I don't want you deciding that you don't really want this, that it was all a mistake. And I don't want you sneaking around behind my back. Things were just fine the way they were. Why bother changing?"

Starbuck felt a sudden prickling in his eyes. There it was- Apollo didn't want him. He'd lost his chance. "After reading that journal, and thinking- a lot- I just had to tell you. But it's okay. If we can still be friends, I'll be happy with that. After all, that's how I expected you to live. At least you were always honest with me and with yourself. I could never admit it. Even today, even when I was on my way over here- I couldn't think about why."

"Why not?" Apollo's hand was still on Starbuck's, rubbing some of the tension away until the hand uncurled from its tight ball.

"Because I'm a coward, Pol. I'll go now."

Starbuck started to rise, but couldn't leave. Apollo still held his hand captive.

"Don't go."

Two words, spoken quietly, yet they had enough compelling power to make Starbuck sink back down to his abandoned seat. He stared at Apollo, wide-eyed.

"Maybe we can make this work. You willing to try? And I don't mean half-assed, either. I mean for real."

Starbuck felt something unfolding within him, composed of equal parts wonder, fear, and amazement. "You mean-"

"I mean I still love you. I always have, and probably always will. I'm willing to take a chance, if you're serious."

Apollo smiled. Starbuck was consumed by happiness, a light and joyful wave washing over him.

"Apollo- I don't think I've ever been more serious in my life."

"Good."

There was a gentle pressure on his hand. He could resist, if he chose, but despite the automatic fearful response, he didn't want to resist. Starbuck leaned forward, awkward as a teenager, and slid his arms around Apollo. Their first kiss was a gentle, undemanding thing, just a brush of lips against lips, which evoked a reaction of unexpected magnitude inside Starbuck.

"Apollo," he breathed. "Just one more thing- are you sure you're okay? I mean, after losing Kreska?"

Apollo tensed for a moment, then sighed and laid his head on Starbuck's shoulder. "After all the chaos lately... yes, I'm okay. As long as you're here. Zac, Serina, Kreska- all within a few sectons. I can mourn my losses even while I move on. Pushing you away now, just so I can feel bad over the death of someone I cared about, isn't going to bring him back. And- knowing him as I did, he'd probably want things this way."

Starbuck stroked the thick black hair gently, something he'd always had a hidden desire to do. "I think you're right. That's probably why he made sure I got that journal."

Apollo raised his head with a sad smile. "Probably. And I'll always be grateful to him, for giving me this chance at true happiness..."

Starbuck smiled, then captured Apollo's mouth with his own. He was still scared, but he was quite willing to explore the possibilities now open to him... in reality, not in a dream so secret he would never admit to having it. What did it matter what other people thought, when he was happier than he'd ever thought possible, with Apollo in his arms?

No. What Apollo had said, and Kreska had recorded so faithfully, was right: There are some things you shouldn't try to change. And if you go against what the gods want, all you get is heartbreak and trouble.

Starbuck was done with denial. Fifteen yahrens of ignoring, smothering, and denying the existence of love hadn't made it go away, and had only brought suffering to the one he loved most. It was past time to just give in and enjoy, living his life the way the gods had intended.