Apollo's head itched.

He tried to ignore it, since of course he was out on Long Patrol and therefore wearing his helmet. But it refused to go away. The itch was concentrated just above his hairline, directly above his eyes. It burned and crawled, taking his attention off the job of flying recon and focusing it on the itch. It got so bad that it felt like his head was swelling. The helmet felt tight, hot and tight and suffocating.

Maybe if he could just... no. He knew damned good and well that the Viper's cockpit was not a safe environment to undo his helmet. Not even just a little bit, enough to slide even one finger in there... No! A single finger wouldn't work. And besides, unsealing that helmet would let in the frigid cold of the cockpit, not much warmer than space itself.

The itch grew so distracting that his Viper wandered off course and an alarm shrilled at him. He jerked the stick angrily, pulling the Viper back on course. This was ridiculous.

"Apollo?" Starbuck's voice came through the comm system immediately. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Apollo replied, through gritted teeth. "I'm fine. Just a little... distracted."

"I hope you're right. It's not like you to be distracted and lose course on patrol."

"I know." The itch, sensing that he wasn't giving it his full attention, flared up insistently. "Starbuck. Talk to me."

"What?"

"You heard me! Talk to me. Say anything, I don't care what, just give me something to listen to. Didn't you go out last night?"

"Are you sure you're all right, Apollo?" Starbuck said, then paused. Apollo could picture him shrugging his shoulders. "Whatever you say, Captain. Yes, I went out last night, with this perky little redhead..."

Apollo fought to keep his mind on Starbuck's words, despite the annoyance at his in-depth description of the redhead's charms. Apollo still wondered, quite often in fact, if he should have told Sheba where to shove her marriage proposal and moved in with Starbuck instead.

The itch intensified again. Apollo thought he could hear, over the sound of Starbuck's voice, his skin crackling and blistering from the ferocious burning. Now there were two little spots of pain, and his helmet felt tighter than ever. Starbuck's tale had transformed into a hand-by-hand description of a pyramid game he'd sat in on after his fling with the redhead. Apollo tried to concentrate on what his friend was saying, but he had very little comprehension of the subtleties of the game. He preferred more physical games, like Triad.

Apollo had long since given up on making sense out of Starbuck's words when the Galactica finally came into view at the end of the patrol. He was shifting around in his seat almost incessantly, sweating and panting for breath, with the need to scratch that triple-damned itch.

Finally, finally, finally the two Vipers landed safely in Alpha Bay. And approximately two milicentons after atmosphere was restored, Apollo had his helmet off and was scratching his head.

The relief was so intense that at first he didn't notice why his head was itching so badly. But then his fingernail caught on... something. A hard, pointed protrusion, about half the length of his thumb, and pointed... and there were two of them.

"Oh, frack!" he moaned, seized by a complex combination of shock, outrage, anger, and a remote hint of humor. His wife had put horns on his head! Sheba was going to pay for this. How in all hells could he face anyone now, when all it would take was one look to know Sheba was screwing around on him?

"Apollo! Would you get out of that damned Viper before I come up there and drag you out?"

That was Starbuck, of course, dear, loyal Starbuck. Who would probably rupture something laughing at Apollo.

The Captain snarled and jammed his helmet back on. No wonder it had felt tight! It wasn't made to accommodate horns. He climbed slowly out of the Viper, fuming all the way. When he reached the deck, Starbuck was all over him like a concerned momma daggit with one pup.

"Apollo? Are you going to tell me what's wrong now?" His blue eyes were clouded with worry, although Apollo could still see a smile lurking just under the surface.

"I'm filing for a divorce, that's what's wrong."

"What?" Starbuck gaped in shock. "Where'd that come from? I thought you and Sheba were getting along remarkably well."

"Considering I never intended to marry her in the first place, yes, we were getting along fairly decently. But then she had to go and do this."

Apollo pulled his helmet off and focused his gaze on Starbuck's left shoulder so he wouldn't have to see the amusement in his buddy's eyes.

"Good Lords!" Starbuck gasped, then a smothered giggle escaped his dubious control. "She's put horns on your head!"

That did it. Starbuck gave in to the hilarity and simply howled, while Apollo glared and shuffled uncomfortably. He was aware of other people sneaking astonished looks at him, Viper techs and whoever else was on duty in the landing bay.

"If you're done laughing at me, I'd like to get this taken care of right now," he snapped.

Starbuck looked at him, wiping laugh tears out of his eyes. "Oh, this is rich! Any idea who she did it with?" Then a little snigger escaped, but Starbuck regained control of himself before utterly dissolving again. "I thought that 'horns on his head' thing was just a figure of speech!"

"Oh, shut up, you laughing maniac," Apollo muttered. Now that the initial embarrassment was wearing off, he was beginning to see possibilities in this whole horns-on-head thing. But first, there was some business to be taken care of. "And as for who, I'd be willing to bet it's that supernatural freak, Iblis. You know she's been following him around and yowling like a felis in heat ever since we met him."

"Yeah, that would make sense." Starbuck smoothed his expression and fell in beside Apollo when the other man set off towards the door. The corners of his mouth kept twitching, though. "So Apollo?"

"Yes?"

"Are you feeling... a little horny?" Starbuck cracked up again, staggering to the side so he could support himself against the wall.

Apollo snorted, amused despite the anger. A little horny? No. More like a lot. And wouldn't Starbuck be surprised...

Apollo left Starbuck behind in a few strides while he fought to get, and keep, control of himself. Apollo had only one thing on his mind: get the paperwork for dissolution of Sealing taken care of as soon as possible. He wanted that divorce so badly he could taste it.

He hadn't really wanted to get married in the first place, and still wasn't entirely sure how it had happened. He was actually suspicious that Sheba had slipped a little something in his drink that night out on the Rising Star, because he was fairly sure he had intended to tell her no thank you and make a pass at Starbuck instead, who had been giving off hints about as subtle as flares that such a pass would be welcomed.

But no, he'd woken up in a honeymoon suite on the Star with a cheap ring on his finger, a hangover from Infernus, and Sheba beside him. That had been all of about three sectons ago, and he still hadn't figured out how it had happened. Oh well. Not like it mattered anymore, because there was the doorway ahead of the Galactica's legal department.

The paperwork was ridiculously long and intense. Apollo was actually so deeply immersed in the mess that he was able to ignore the stares, comments, and laughter of the folk in the legal department as they took in the sight of the horned man in the front office. Why was it, anyway, that it only took one paper and a blood test to get sealed, but about fifty papers and a considerable hunk of his last paycheck to get divorced?

Finally it was done. Apollo took his two copies and left. He rolled one of the sheets, announcing that the union between himself and Sheba had been dissolved by legal means, and rolled it into a tight little cylinder, then he slipped the ring off his finger and around the paper. There, that should hold it. Now, to break the news to his ex-wife.

He found her right where he suspected she'd be, in the bed in their—now his again—quarters. And Iblis was with her.

"Sheba, I want you out of here, now." He ignored her shocked look as she struggled into a sitting position, clutching the sheet frantically. He tossed the roll of paper and ring at her and she caught it with the hand that wasn't trying to cover her meager chest. "You've really done it this time, and don't even try to deny it. Even if I couldn't see that freak there beside you, you put horns on my head!"

"Now, Apollo, be easy on her," Iblis spoke up, holding out his hand in a soothing gesture. "She was only acting on impulse. Perhaps you know how it is to feel such an impulse?"

Apollo laughed outright. The man wore a speculative look, almost as if he were about to invite Apollo to act on impulse and join in. "Certainly I know what it is to act on impulse. And right now, my impulse is to do this."

Apollo made a rather childish, but very satisfying, rude gesture and turned his back on both of them. Sheba never had a chance to regain enough wit to speak before he was out the door.

This time, the stares didn't bother him, and he sauntered through the corridors of the Galactica whistling a jaunty little tune. He reached Starbuck's quarters and didn't even hesitate before going in.

"Starbuck? Are you in here?"

"Yeah, I'm here," Starbuck replied, a muffled shout that came from the direction of the turbowash. "What's up?"

"Nothing, yet," Apollo grinned. Starbuck came out of the turbowash, wearing one towel and rubbing at his face with another. "But I've got a problem."

"I'd say you've got more than one problem, O Horned One." Starbuck laughed.

"I got the divorce taken care of," Apollo said, running considering eyes over Starbuck's damp torso. Yes, definitely a much more appealing sight than Sheba without her shirt on. "But you see, I've still got these horns."

"I can see that," Starbuck nodded, snickering. "And what are you going to do about them?"

"Same thing anyone else does when they're feeling horny," Apollo said, somehow managing to keep a straight face. "I imagine if you and I have enough sex, that'll definitely get rid of the problem."

Starbuck's jaw dropped, and he staggered back a step. His towel slipped dangerously low. "Did I just hear what I think I heard?" He placed one hand dramatically over his heart. "May the gods be my witness, I do believe Captain Apollo just made a joke about sex, and then propositioned me! Whatever am I going to do now?"

"Um, lose the towel?" Apollo suggested, already shrugging out of his uniform jacket.

"Your wish is my command," Starbuck said, with a flamboyant bow and a gesture that sent the towel flying across his quarters.

Apollo shed the rest of his uniform and closed the distance between them quickly. That was all it took to get rid of the horns, because as soon as his lips touched Starbuck's, they crumbled away into nothing.

"The horns are gone," Starbuck pointed out, a little breathless from the intensity of the kiss. "Is that all you wanted?"

"I want you, Starbuck," Apollo replied earnestly. Then he grinned. "And besides... the horns may be gone, but I'm still really frackin' horny!"