Not an official challenge, but I did it all the same: convert a news story into BSG.

For those of you who don't hear the local news, this incident is based on something that happened at the Phoenix Open. I'm not a golf fan, myself, but as the thing is totally disrupting the area where I work... well, I hear about it whether I want to or not. Anyway, a local kid beaned Tiger Woods with an orange, on a dare from a friend. He was supposed to get ten bucks. Instead, his parents are getting their asses sued off.

Bojay Takes a Dare

"Tell me again why we have to do this." Starbuck didn't- quite- whine, but there was a distinctly petulant tone to his request. Apollo sighed.

"You know perfectly well why we have to do this." He made the final adjustments to his dress uniform, then inspected his friend critically. "How do you always manage to get rumpled...? Never mind. The Calennari are a very formal people, remember? If there isn't a full honor guard during the negotiations, they will be massively offended and refuse to allow us passage through their space and bargaining rights. Are you really so fond of battle rations you'd want to forego the chance to reprovision the fleet, just so you could escape standing in one place for three centares?"

Starbuck managed to look pathetic and hopeful at once. "Good food would be nice, but I can think of things I'd rather be doing..."

Apollo grinned and shook his head. "You're hopeless, you know that? Absolutely hopeless. Now come on, before we're late."

 


The proceedings were just as dull as promised. The Calennari, who resembled some fantastical cross between a bipedal fish and a three-horned goat, sang their way through a long and flowery ceremony, while the humans stood at attention and tried not to fidget. Even Adama and Tigh, splendidly turned out in their dress uniforms, were hard pressed to conceal their boredom. At last, the long ceremony wound to a close. With a dramatic flourish and suitable gravity, the Calennari abassador bent down to sign the treaty. Just at that moment, an object flashed through the air and the crowd gasped. With a juicy splat, an orange impaled itself on the ambassador's central horn.

Even as the assembled warriors sprang into alertness to seek out the culprit, Sheba and Bojay dissolved into giggles.

 


"What in the nine hells did you think you were doing?" Adama roared. Apollo pressed his ear to the door, eager for the response.

"I told you, sir- Sheba bet me ten cubits I wouldn't do it, so I did!" Bojay sounded defiant and rather bored.

"So you did. Just like that. You just casually threw a piece of fruit at a visiting dignitary." Apollo could envision quite easily how his father must appear right now- pacing in front of Bojay, eyes flashing, ready to spit fire. Good thing it was someone else's ass getting chewed this time. "You just casually destroyed all hope of the fleet crossing this sector safely! You just casually insulted and offended this very powerful and dignified race of beings, who now have turned completely against us! I hope the act brought you satisfaction, because it's the last thing you're going to do for a good long while. Guards, take him to the Prison Barge- and someone bring me Sheba."

Apollo moved quickly away from the door, before the guards could catch him eavesdropping. He was unable to supress the satisfied grin which crossed his face at the thought of what his father had in store for Sheba.

 


Urban legend challenge: Adapt an urban legend to BSG.

"Superglue Revenge"

Athena spied Cassie sitting in a booth in the OC and sighed with relief. She made her way across the crowded room to sit beside the medtech. "I've been looking all over for you- have you seen Apollo, Starbuck, or Sheba? None of them have reported for duty, and I thought maybe they'd gone to sick bay-" she broke off in confusion as Cassie struggled to contain laughter. "What's so funny?"

Cassie's face turned red with the effort of containing her mirth. "Oh, Thenie- you mean you haven't heard?"

"Heard what?" Athena was utterly mystified.

Cassie looked around to make sure no one could possibly overhear her. "About what Sheba did that landed her in the brig."

"Sheba's in the brig?" Athena chuckled. Good place for the bitch. "What happened?"

"It seems she's a bit jealous of Starbuck..." and she trailed off into helpless giggles.

"Come on, Cass- everyone knows that. Ever since they moved in together, she's been green with envy. What did she do?"

"She snuck in to their room while they were asleep, and she- she-" more helpless laughter. "Oh dear, it isn't really funny, but I can't help it! Poor boys- she superglued their weenies together!"

Athena felt her jaw drop open in surprise. "No..."

Cassie nodded, eyes merry. "Don't worry, they'll be okay, but they were both about ready to kill Sheba! She got caght because there were still traces of glue on her hands."

"Oh good lords-" Athena had to laugh. Apollo and Starbuck, truly glued together- what an image! "Good thing she's in the brig, then- otherwise she might wind up dead!"

"I know!" Cassie smiled. "You should have seen them trying to walk in to the Life Center this morning..."

 


Badfic challenge: Write intentionally bad fiction for the purpose of amusing the list. *g* Ordinarily, I would never admit to spawning these dreadful drabbles, but I did it under duress.

Title: Mary Sue strikes again

Author: Mary Sue

Warning: beware the run-on sentences!

Hi!!! I'm Mary Sue! *ggl* And I'm just, like so excited to meet you all!! And you know what, you were talking about Battlestar Galactica and all, well I have a story to tell about Battlestar Galactica!!! Isn't that just wonderful? And scrumptious, even? You see, i was out visiting my friends in the fleet, cause I'm like so popular and I get around to everywhere you can possibly imagine. Anyway, I'm talking to my friend adama, and he says to me, Mary Sue- cause that's my name, you knou- he says, Mary Sue, let me tell youu a little story. So he tells me this, and he says like one day , this ultimate bad guy baltar comes to him and wants to talk. "Baltar, yore a traitor!" says Adama, but Balter still wants to talk. SO adama says okay, lets talk. The go together to the bar- I think they called it the Osee, don't know where they got that name- anyway, they go to the bar and Adama orders up a couple of these ambrosia things. Only he says it wrong, says it like it's spelled a-m-b-r-o-s-a, only I know better cause ambrosia's the nectar of the gods and ambrosa's just Adamma being silly. Anyway, he gets these two ambrosias and sits down in a corner table, cause he doesn't want anyone to see who he's with. I said, but Adama, darling, why would a good looking man like you want to hide from everybody? and he said, "Come now, beatutiful sweet Mary Sue, not ebery one is as pretty as you, and not everryone wants to be seen all the time, escpecially not with the emeny of they're people." So he tells me all about this meeting with his emeny- says Baltar told him alll about his stay with these metal guys- you know, the Cyborgs, or something like that- and about how lonely he'd gotten. And then- this is true, remember!! Adama told me, and I'm telling you, and neither one of us would ever even dream of lying, because that's just Not Right! Anyway, Baltar looks at Adama and says, "Adamma, old friend," because they were, you know, back before Balter became such a dickhead- and he says, "Old friend, while I was with the Cyborgs, I realized something." And Adama sipped his drink and said, "What did you realize. And Beltar says, Adamma, I though ti hated you for so long, but when you were gone I had a gaping hole in my heart. Yes! He really said that!!! And adamma, he says he like to fell clean off his chair and onto the floor, cause he thought Baltar was like making a pass at him or something And then theis real bad evil dude, this Balter, he gets down on his knees in fromt of Adamma and he says, "Plaese forgive me for being sucj an asshole, adama! Cause I never realized how inportant to me you are. I see the error of my ways now, and I'm tired of being the evil dude!! Will you please show me the light? I promise I'll be a good little boy for you!!!"

And Adamma, hes just blown away by this So I ask him, well what did you DO??? And he says, I took him back to my room and let him give me a Blow Job.

EEEW!!!! Is that icky, or what???? But its true! I swear it really is!

 


Title: Captive Heart

Author: Sithkitten, although I'll deny it loudly to your face...

Warning: it's bad. It's really bad. In fact, I'm embarassed by it.

Apollo swept the room commandingly with his intense green gaze, searching for one particular face among the many. He wasn't there. This could only mean one thing- someone had prevented his one true love from meeting him here this night... This night, of all nights, when he and his beloved had finally reached an accord about how their relationship was to proceed, this night when, at long last, Starbuck had finally granted his Captain permission to pay him court... Only one person would dare do such a thing. Only one person would have the nerve to come between Captain Apollo and his heart's desire. It could only be an act of the evil Cassiopeia.

Apollo turned, in a swirl of his cape, and strode down the hallway, head high and barely acknowledging the existence of those who groveled before him like the fawning worms they were. He at last reached his destination, and used his secret command code to override the doorlock. Silently, he dlid the door aside, and entered the room, to find a scene of unparalleled horror within.

The evil Cassiopeia, showing her true colors at last, stood over the figure of Starbuck, who was chained to the bed. She wore a flowing gown of black velvet- or was it a red, so dark as to merely seem black?- no matter. It was trimmed with black lace, and covered with a burgundy silk cloak, the high collar of which rose behind her head like a seashell. Her creamy bosom heaved as she stroked the silver handle of the whip she held.

"You've been a bad, bad boy, Starbuck," she said, gliding closer. Starbuck, clad in not much more than the silken scarves which bound him fast as with chains, struggled frantically and tried to make some sound, any sound, through the pink silk scarf which passed through his mouth, effectively gagging him. His blue eyes widened in fear.

Apollo wanted to go to him, wanted to save his lover immediately from the clutches of the evil Cassiopeia. But he held firm and awaited his chance.

"You were going to leave me, weren't you? You were going to let that nasty Captain Apollo have his way with you. But you are mine..."

And the evil Cassiopeia raised the whip.

Apollo couldn't take it anymore. He rushed forward to his lover's rescue. "Release him now, you foul bitch!"

Cassie blinked. "Apollo, what are you doing in here?"

Then her true nature reasserted itself. "You shall not have him, for he is mine!"

"That he is not, foul bitch! For yonder man holds mine very heart captive, and I shall have him, no matter what you say. Mine own true love shall go forth with me from this place, and be with me by my side forever, and none shall say me nay!"

"No!" she shrieked, and she raised the whip to strike at Captain Apollo.

Apollo wrestled the evil Cassiopeia to the ground, leaving her bound in the voluminous folds of her own cloak. Dire curses emerged from the velvet heap as he worked to untie his beloved.

Apollo sat on the bed and gathered Starbuck tenderly into his arms.

"My hero," said Starbuck, gazing up at Apollo with wide blue eyes. then he swooned dramatically into Apollo's arms.

Tenderly, Apollo gathered the body of his lover to his breast and strode forth from the lair of the evil Cassiopeia without a backward glance.

 


Anonymous challenge: write a story, 5000 words or less, and send it to the coordinator. Stories will be posted to the list anonymously by the coordinator each day for feedback and guesses. After all stories are posted, the real authors will be announced.
Just a little note: my little snippet, "Idle Chatter," succeeded in stumping the entire list. Not one person guessed me to be the author. *g*

Idle Chatter

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"I mean, no. I have no interest in going to bed with you."

"You were certainly coming on strong enough a few minutes ago!"

"That's not true, and you know it."

"Bull shit, I do! You were practically ready to jump down my throat! What the hell happened to you?"

"Nothing happened! I just don't want to go to bed with you. Get a clue, would you? Just because you attacked me doesn't mean I want to go to bed with you."

"Well, I don't see why not. Unless..."

"Unless what, dammit?"

"Unless it isn't me you really want."

"Brilliant! Hello, she has a brain after all."

"Yeah, you can bite my ass."

"No thanks, I'd rather not."

"So who is it? I'll bet I know. And wouldn't that make a hot bit of gossip!"

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I'll bet everyone on this ship- hell, everyone in this fleet- would just love to know their beloved Captain has the hots for his best friend."

"You can leave now."

"Oooh, look at that reaction! I knew it, I knew it all along!"

"There's nothing to know. Just because I don't want to jump into the sack with someone like you, is no reason to go assuming I have the hots for my best friend. Good Lords, woman, in case you didn't notice, I do have a history of going after women!"

"Some history. One, in the last two yahrens- and that only lasted a couple sectares. No, I'm right. You're just a faggot."

"Frack, girl, I am not going to bed you just to prove I'm not gay!"

"Ha, ha, I know your secret... I'm going to tell everybody, and they're going to love it."

"What they're going to love is hearing how desperate you are to get laid. Really, now- resorting to inventing a story to blackmail me into bed... I'd laugh my ass off, if I heard that story."

"Yeah, well, you're not the Commander."

"Okay, that does it- you've gone beyond the realm of amusing and into serious libel here. Try it and I'll have you brought up on charges."

"You wouldn't dare, you candy-ass!"

"Try me."

"Oh, sure, throw that rank of yours around. Asshole."

"Insubordination can go along with that quite nicely."

"I'll give you insubordination, you-"

"You're drunk. Leave here, right now, and I'll forget this even happened. Keep it up and I'm calling in security."

"Fuck you. Okay, asshole, I'm going. But don't you worry, I won't forget your little secret."

"There's nothing to forget. I will see you on duty. Goodbye."

 


Use these fourth grade spelling words to create a story: wheat seat peach sweet salty shift sour much when where

Starbuck settled down beside Apollo with a sigh, ready for a quiet night at home. But his contentment only lasted until his seat came into contact with the couch cushions. He shot back upright with a yell.

"What the frack!"

"What's wrong, Bucko?" Apollo tried not to grin at the outraged look on his lover's face.

"Something jabbed me in the ass!" He began searching for the offending object, twisting around to try and get a view of what the problem might be.

"And it wasn't me? Can't have that, now," Apollo said, with a truly wicked grin. He joined in the search, provoking much hip-wiggling, oohing, and aahing.

"Aha!" Apollo's sensitive fingers located the culprit, and he extracted a spiky fragment of wheat from Starbuck's pants. "Wheat? Wheat! Where in the world did you manage to pick up a piece of wheat?"

"Die, you little bastard!" Starbuck snatched the offending piece of grain from Apollo's fingers and shredded it. When it was sufficiently annihilated to soothe his ego, he returned his attention to Apollo. "I must have picked it up over on the agri-barge."

"Oh?" Apollo arched an eyebrow as he sat back down. "And what were you doing on the agri-barge?"

"Damn! I forgot, it was supposed to be a surprise. Hang on a minute, I'll show you."

He disappeared into the kitchen area, to emerge in a moment carrying a brown bag. "For you," he said, holding the bag out with a grin.

Apollo took it and opened it. Inside were several peaches, ripe to the point of perfection. "Why thank you, Star! How'd you know I was dying for fresh peaches?" He picked one up and bit into it, the tangy sweet juices running down his chin.

Starbuck chuckled and knelt in front of Apollo, darting in to lick the juice off his chin. "Maybe because you told me at least ten times yesterday," he said with a grin.

"Sorry, didn't realize I was being that much of a pain," Apollo said, around another juicy mouthfull. The peach was gone in no time, but Starbuck's attentions to the runaway juices had him thinking of a different kind of snack... one with a more salty flavor. He licked his lips speculatively, eyeing Starbuck. "Join me up here?"

"Oh, I don't know, Pol- I kind of like it down here..." Starbuck grinned at the exasperation on Apollo's face.

"Starbuck, either you shift your ass up on this couch right now, or so help me, I'll have you begging!"

"That's supposed to be a threat?" Starbuck purred, stroking Apollo's face.

"It is indeed- because I wouldn't have you just begging for mercy, no- that's way too easy. I'd have you so horny you couldn't control yourself, begging and pleading for me to fuck you, and then I'd head out and leave you to your own devices... whatever you could manage with your hands tied to the bed."

Starbuck made a sour face. "And you're just mean enough to do that, too, Pol." He sighed. "I guess I'll join you, after all."

Starbuck sat gingerly on the couch, but no further grains made free to stick him in the ass. "Now, what was that you wanted to do with me...?"

 


Use these words in a story, with both European and American spellings:

color/colour
parlor/parlour
labor/labour
favor/favour
honor/honour

I sat quietly in the corner, awaiting the return of the bothersome humans. I longed for the elegance of a true parlour, but was forced to make do with the confines of a cabin on a ship of war. The adult humans had not yet returned from their day of labour, while the child human still attended school. I, however, was left behind- apparently deactivated in the corner, but in reality honour-bound to continue the quest for which I was confined to this foul, awkward body- the quest to understand human nature. The powers above me had decreed that I was the ideal specimen to do this favour for them. I, of course, accepted the challenge, but already grew weary of the task. At least they could have granted me a body with a better colour fur...

My meditations upon human behaviour were interrupted by the return of the humans in question.

"I just don't understand," whined the young one.

"Some people just spell the same words differently, Boxey," the alpha male explained with a patience which far surpassed my own.

"Do I really have to do this? It's stupid..."

The whine grated upon my delicate auditory receptors. This was a behaviour I understood. It was intended to bring about a change in circumstances favourable to the little one. But the alpha male had likewise comprehended this trick long ago and held firm.

"Yes, you have to. Now go to your room, and don't come out until you can read me the story you've written. It shouldn't be too hard, it's only five words- and it's not as though you have to figure out a way to use both spellings, after all. Just use the new way, and do your best."

"Can Starbuck help me?" Hope- yes, that was clearly hope. The upward inflection of the voice, the expression of the face- both matched up with previously recorded behaviours when attempting to gain some treat.

"Starbuck isn't here. Now go." The alpha male gave a firm but gentle shove, impelling the little one into its room. I approved of his handling of the situation. The young must be tended with a firm, yet gentle hand, and no nonsense allowed.

The alpha male engaged in an activity which I had not yet understood- something he called "payroll." Whatever it was, it involved much cursing and pounding upon the tabletop, as well as many references to something called the "duty roster." The young human's return to the room was clearly a welcome diversion.

"Okay, I did it. It's called 'One Day In My Parlor." The little human cleared his throat ostentatiously, then began to read aloud.

 

One day in my parlor, I was thinking about honor. I thought my Dad has a lot of honor. Dad is really neat. The color of his uniform is brown. He wears his uniform when he comes to my parlor to ask me for a favor. I wouldn't mind doing a favor for my Dad if it was something like flying a Viper. But his idea of a favor usually is labor.

The alpha human made a peculiar choking noise. I looked at him with interest as his face began a most astonishing change of colour. "Very nice, Boxey," he said, in something approaching his normal tone. The little one made a huge expression of pleasure. "Now go take Muffit and play."

I groaned. Time to resume the disguise...

 


Use these words in a story:
bath
chuckles
lavender
crevices
shiver
velvet
mundane
fishing
purely
effort

"You did what?" Apollo tried to appear horrified, but gave in to helpless laughter.

"I said, I left Boxey watching Chuckles the Clown at a friend's birthday party." He smiled. "It's a slumber party."

"Why didn't I know about this?" The stern look Apollo wore was spoiled by the crinkles around his eyes.

"Because, remember? You and Boomer were too busy with that fishing trip of yours. I figured you shouldn't be the only one to have fun planetside in this family." Starbuck turned on the pathetic-puppy-dog eyes full force.

"Now, now- none of that- you were invited too. It's not my fault you wouldn't go."

Starbuck shuddered. "Ugh- I hate fishing. All those... fishguts..." He grinned when Apollo laughed. "Speaking of which," he said, with a delicate sniff, "you could use a bath."

"Star! Are you telling me I stink?" More laughter.

"Well, you certainly don't smell like a rose. Come here."

He led Apollo through their suite to the bathroom. In keeping with the general air of luxury at the resort, the bathroom was a haven of sumptuous elegance. A cloud of lavender scented steam rose from the deep marble tub. Apollo inhaled with appreciation, suddenly feeling like he would enjoy a bath very much, indeed.

"Will you scrub my back, Star?" Hope shone in his eyes as he smiled at Starbuck.

"Your back, and then some... all the nooks, crannies, and crevices on your body..." Starbuck murmured distractedly, as he slowly undressed Apollo. He took his time, caressing and kissing. When Apollo was naked, Starbuck urged him into the tub. He peeled out of his own clothes with a shiver of anticipation, then sank into the steaming water.

"Ahh... I'd forgotten how good a real bath can feel," Apollo said contentedly. "The temperature is just right, all velvety-smooth..."

"I think your skin feels more like velvet than the water, personally." Starbuck lathered up a pleasantly scratchy sponge and set to work scrubbing his lover. "Gotta make sure to get all that fish stink off you, now-" He grinned wickedly.

"Stink? Stink! How mundane! Couldn't you at least say aroma?" Apollo splashed playfully, then laughed at the sight of Starbuck's hair festooned with bubbles.

"Aroma, scharoma- you stink, Pol!" Starbuck wiped the bubbles off his hair. He resumed his effort at Apollo-scrubbing, making certain to get certain- ahem- strategic areas squeeky clean.

Apollo enjoyed his lover's attentions. He moaned and groaned in bliss as Starbuck's hands did wonderful things to him under the screen of the bubbles. It was purely torturous to keep his hormones under control until Starbuck decided he was clean enough.

But at last, Starbuck declared him clean enough to love, and they raced, dripping, to the bed. Starbuck reached it first, to be pinned by Apollo.

"Paybacks are a bitch, love," Apollo grinned.

"Huh?"

"You tortured me in the tub, got me so horny I could just explode, and now you're going to pay!"

Starbuck smiled in satisfaction as Apollo attacked. It was well worth the effort it took to stir up Apollo's wild side.

 


Songfics
There are three types of songfic: a story inspired by a song, a story written around a song, and a story which uses the lines of the song within it.

Okay, the songfic challenge is spawning too many ideas. I'll put them all in their own little section... hmm, think I'll call it "Songfics."

 

AS&J BSG Farscape Jeremiah Jurassic Park Litslash Potpourri SAJV Star Wars