"Apollo, what is your problem?"

"Do you really want to know, Starbuck?" Apollo's eyes were wild. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it. "I don't think you do."

"How do you know what I want? You never pay attention to—" Starbuck bit off his complaint. Damn, he'd said more than he wanted to. "What I mean is that you've been reckless lately, dangerous to everyone, not just the Cylons. This isn't like you. And I want to know why."

"No, you don't. There are some things that just shouldn't be shared. And where do you get off calling me reckless?"

"I've never tried to get myself killed every day for three sectons." Starbuck leaned against the wall, arms crossed. "Or need I remind you of all the stupid stunts you've pulled? Even Sheba has noticed."

Apollo flinched.

"Oho, that hit a nerve! Are you having Sheba problems?"

"Sheba has nothing to do with it," Apollo said, voice tight and controlled. "Why don't you just go away and leave me alone? I don't want you here."

Ouch.

Starbuck was tempted to just give it up, go away and leave Apollo to stew in his bad mood like he so obviously wanted. He opened his mouth to say Fine, I'm leaving then, but then he saw the confused suffering in Apollo's eyes. "No," he said instead, swallowing the hurt. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

Apollo glared at him. "Don't you ever give up?"

Starbuck glared right back. "No. Tell me."

"What do you care?"

"Frack you, Apollo! You know damn well why I care. Now spit it out. There's something been driving you to near suicidal behavior, and I want to know what it is before you get yourself killed."

Apollo moved quickly, so close that Starbuck could smell the ambrosa on his breath. That worried Starbuck almost as badly as the behavior of the last few sectons. Apollo had never been one to run for the bottle when he had a problem.

"You want to know my problem, Starbuck?" Seen close, Apollo's eyes were filled with fire. "This is my problem!"

He grabbed Starbuck's hand and planted it firmly on his crotch. Starbuck barely had enough time to register the hot, hard lump beneath his hand before Apollo was kissing him.

Starbuck kissed him back hungrily, wrapping his free arm around Apollo and pulling him closer. He hadn't expected this at all! But he wasn't complaining. His hand stroked eagerly at Apollo's crotch, the feel of the firm flesh under the uniform sending thrills through his entire body.

Then Apollo tore himself away, shaking and pale.

"Apollo!" Starbuck took a deep breath, and another. He was shaking too. "Why'd you stop?"

"So now you know," Apollo said, looking at the floor. "It's you. It's always been you. Now will you just leave me alone?"

"Absolutely not." It was Starbuck's turn to move swiftly now, capturing Apollo in his arms before the man could get away. He looked around for a suitable place. Why did the man have to pick a Viper maintenance bay to have his breakdown?

Starbuck knew the answer to that, but he didn't want to think about it. The Viper maintenance bays were close to the surface of the ship, and had unmonitored access hatches to outside. It would be simplicity in itself to end it all by slipping out of one of those unmonitored airlocks... But right now it didn't matter if Apollo had been contemplating suicide when Starbuck found him. What mattered was that there was no place comfortable to sit down and have this out with Apollo.

He spotted a long, low box that looked sturdy enough to hold both of their weight, shoved up against a wall. "Over here."

Apollo went with him without protest. "I must disgust you," he said quietly, voice calm now. "But I suppose you had to find out sooner or later."

Starbuck kissed his forehead, rumpling his Captain's hair. "You could never disgust me, sweetheart," he murmured, caressing the tense shoulders and back. He refused to look at the airlock door directly opposite the box.

"Sheba knows," Apollo said. His hands crept around Starbuck's waist, hesitant at first, then clinging with desperate strength. "She figured it out and conronted me three sectons ago. Big scene, lots of swearing, lots of broken dishes, because of course she had to do it at dinner time. Supposed to be a romantic dinner for two, private room on the Star, the whole works. You know. You're the one who taught me how to make a lady feel special. But she didn't feel special. She felt used."

Apollo lapsed into silence, and Starbuck used the opportunity to steal another kiss, this one gentle and loving. "It's okay, Apollo. I've got you now."

"She said I was sick, perverted, nothing like a real man. It was no wonder I could never satisfy her in bed. And it got worse from there. She was going to tell my father, but she couldn't find any good reason. No benefit for herself, you know."

Apollo shifted closer, hooking one leg over Starbuck's and resting his head on a uniformed shoulder. "I must be sick. All I can think about is you. It's disgusting, and I can't live with myself like this any longer. How can you stand it? How can you still be my friend? You can't, I know, and if I had more courage I'd go right through that airlock door."

Starbuck tightened his grip convulsively. "Apollo, Apollo, can't you see and feel what's happening here? I don't hate you, you don't disgust me, no more now than you ever have. Where did you get that stupid idea? I've dreamed of holding you for so long... don't you see? I love you, I always have."

"It's disgusting," Apollo insisted, but Starbuck found it enormously encouraging that he turned his face up for another kiss. "It's unclean. The gods forbid men from seeking love with other men."

"The gods, my ass," Starbuck said inelegantly. He kissed Apollo hungrily, nibbling gently at his lower lip. "You and your repressive Kobolian upbringing. I'll bet you never even bothered to look at the history of why the Kobolians call homosexuality a sin, did you?"

"What?"

"Didn't think so. I did a paper on it in school. Really interesting stuff. You should check it out some day. Basically what it boils down to is the ancient Kobolians were just a bunch of prudes who thought all pleasure should be outlawed."

"Run that by me again?"

Starbuck kissed him instead, a hand tugging at Apollo's uniform fastenings so he could feel warm and living flesh instead of fabric. "Later. For now, I want to know what I've ever done to make you think I'd be offended by you."

"You're a man," Apollo protested immediately. "You sleep with women. You slept with my sister, for Sagan's sake."

Starbuck chuckled. "She ripped into me but good when I accidentally said your name at, um, the wrong moment."

"You didn't," and Apollo actually looked at him, seeing the real Starbuck instead of some internal horror. Then he blinked. "Good Lords, Starbuck, you really are holding me... I wasn't just imagining it."

"No, Apollo." Starbuck smiled, then stole another intoxicating kiss. "You're not imagining it at all."

"And you're not mad?" Apollo raised a trembling hand to Starbuck's face.

"Not about this," Starbuck replied, around another kiss. "I'm mad that you never told me, and I'm even madder that you wanted to—to—you know."

"Kill myself?"

Starbuck shivered at hearing those words spoken so calmly. He tried to speak, but couldn't get a word past the lump in his throat. He nodded instead.

"You know I've always thought of death as an option," Apollo said calmly. Starbuck shivered again.

"Not with me around, it isn't," he said fiercely. "I won't let you do yourself in. You will not leave me alone, got that?"

"But it's wrong, I can't—you can't—"

Starbuck cut off Apollo's protest in the most effective way he could think of, with a very thorough kiss. "It's not wrong, you idiot," he said, gasping faintly, when the kiss ended. "It's never wrong to love."

Apollo shifted in his arms, no longer passive and unresponsive. "Says who?" He tangled his fingers in Starbuck's hair, tugging him down and tracing his tongue along Starbuck's lips.

"Says me," Starbuck mumbled. "And says everyone not a devout Kobolian. And says your own body." He stroked Apollo's crotch again, feeling the hot hard lump that had started everything. "Now are you going to let me love you?"

"I might," Apollo panted. "Are you sure?"

"Damn straight, I'm sure. But not here."

"Why not?"

Starbuck looked at their surroundings: cold, grey, dirty, and with that damned airlock door sitting there like a poisonous crawlon poised to strike. "Because I want our first time to be special," he said, with a tender smile. "And there's nothing special about this place."

"Am I dreaming?" Apollo asked abruptly.

"No, you're not. This is all real. And I don't think you're all that drunk anymore, either. Are you?"

Apollo shook his head. "If this isn't a dream, if it's all real... are you just playing along to keep me from taking a short spacewalk?"

Starbuck groaned and leaned back until his head thumped against the wall. "Apollo, would you knock it off with your bloody suspicions? I love you, I always have. If you want me, I'm yours. Do you want me or not?"

Suddenly Apollo laughed. "Now that sounded real. Okay, if you're sure about this... where did you want to go?"

"There's a place I know," Starbuck grinned, untangling himself from Apollo and standing with a joint-popping stretch. He held out a hand and Apollo took it, an uncertain but genuine smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. "Real nice atmosphere, lots of privacy... and it's a men-only club, so there's no one there that'll let out your little secret, if you want to keep this hidden."

"Sounds promising," Apollo said, and stood. He raised Starbuck's hand to his lips briefly. "Somehow, I never expected you to act like this if I ever told you."

"Too bad. If you'd been a bit braver, we could have had more time to be together."

Apollo shook his head, torn between amusement and annoyance, as was so often the case when dealing with Starbuck. "And this is what I have to look forward to? I should have kept my mouth shut."

Starbuck laughed and steered Apollo towards the door and a new life. He had a very good feeling about this.