"Apollo..." Starbuck looked at him with a gleam in his eye. "What would you do if I said I find you devastatingly handsome?"

Apollo choked on his ambrosa. When he was able to breathe again, he glared at Starbuck. "Knock it off."

Starbuck widened his eyes in hurt innocence. "Knock what off? I wasn't doing anything, just making an observation."

"Yeah, right." Apollo turned his attention back to his ambrosa, certain Starbuck was teasing him.

Starbuck slid a little closer on the couch and set his own ambrosa carefully on the table. He ran one hand lightly up Apollo's arm and smiled into the startled eyes when he looked up. Apollo broke the eye contact and swallowed hard.

"I mean it."

"Sure you do. Bet you say the same to anyone you try to pick up. It ain't gonna work on me, Bucko- I value our friendship too much for that."

"C'mon, Apollo... you love me, you know you do. What's wrong with showing it, hmm?" Starbuck slid his hand up Apollo's arm, around the back of his neck. Apollo remained steadfast in his resolve to ignore Starbuck's advances... until Starbuck nibbled his ear.

"Starbuck!" he yelped. "I said knock it off!"

"Why, Apollo? Why don't you want me?" He ran his fingers lightly over Apollo's face.

"Star- what- no, I can't-" His breath came in ragged gasps. He still refused to look at Starbuck.

"Why not, Pol?" His fingers trailed down Apollo's cheek.

Apollo closed his eyes and struggled to breathe, to remain calm, to retain rational thought. "I know you too well, old friend."

"What do you mean?" His fingers continued exploring Apollo's face and neck.

"Just that I know your track record. I won't risk our friendship."

"But Apollo- I love you." He pulled Apollo into a close embrace and kissed him. It was wonderful. He could feel how right this was, with a certainty he had never experienced before.

Apollo melted into the kiss, then pulled violently away. "No! You'll only hurt me."

"Now Pol, have I ever hurt you? Ever?"

Apollo tried to think. Starbuck's hands were making that very difficult. "No," he said finally.

"That's because I love you, Pol, and I never will."

This time, Apollo didn't pull away from the kiss. It felt so good...

"How do I know you won't hurt me now?" Apollo gasped, breaking away again. He stared at his friend with wide, panicked eyes.

"I know you think I'm irresponsible, and reckless, and foolhardy..." Starbuck grinned. "But you see, I am capable of making a commitment. I always keep my word to you, don't I? That's because you matter to me more than anyone else ever has or ever will."

"Oh Lords, Starbuck... I want to believe you so much..." Apollo felt his resolve crumbling.

"Believe me, Apollo- because it's true. I love you. I want you. And I will never, ever hurt you."

Apollo hesitated a moment longer. Then he reached out a tentative hand. Starbuck caught it and raised the palm to his lips. His smile finally broke Apollo's resistance. "I love you too," he whispered, then there was no need for further words.

Starbuck woke the next morning to a tickle in his nose. He tried to blow it away, but it was a persistant little thing. He was so warm and comfortable- he really didn't want to move, but that damned tickle was getting to him. He finally gave in and moved a hand up to scratch his nose, to find that the tickle was attached to a clump of hair. His eyes flew open. It was Apollo's hair... and he was naked in Apollo's bed.

"It wasn't a dream..." he whispered. He raised up on one elbow and stared at the sleeping man. He lay on his side, back to Starbuck. His long hair sprawled untidily on the pillow and his face wore a serenity that Starbuck had seldom seen when he was awake. He was beautiful. Simply and irresistably beautiful. "And all mine..."

Happiness threatened to overwhelm him. He could scarcely believe this was possible, after all the yahrens of hoping. Apollo had given the words "hard to get" an entirely new meaning. It was obvious that he was attracted, but the man had run like a scalded daggit whenever Starbuck had tried to draw a little closer.

"Well, you're not running now," Starbuck said. He touched the smooth skin of Apollo's back, running his hand over his ribs, his shoulders, down his spine... beautiful. His skin was so smooth, made for touching and kissing- Starbuck bent down and kissed that inviting expanse of skin. Apollo murmured something in his sleep. Starbuck's hand slipped around to the front, stroking down Apollo's chest, across his belly, to his hip...

A muffled gasp greeted this motion. Apollo tensed. "What-"

"Relax, Pol," Starbuck smiled in between kisses. "It's just me, remember?"

Apollo twisted onto his back and gazed up with wide eyes. "As if I could forget. Lords, Star, I can't believe what happened, that it was real." He ran a hand through Starbuck's hair. "I've wanted to do that for so long..."

Starbuck kissed him tenderly. He couldn't even get the smile off his face to kiss properly. "Silly Pol, see what you've been missing out on?"

"Mmm... silly me," Apollo agreed, distracted by Starbuck's wandering hands. "We've got a lot of time to make up, better get to it-"

"My sentiments exactly."

Life is good, thought Starbuck.Life is very, very good. He whistled cheerfully as he made his way through the Galactica's corridors. He was off duty for the next twenty centares, Apollo was off duty for the next twenty centares... who could ask for anything more? Except sex, of course- lots and lots of sex.

Apollo was already in the OC when Starbuck arrived. He'd taken the time for a quick turbowash and a change of clothes and felt much better.

"Starbuck!" Apollo's face lit with a welcoming smile. "We were wondering if you were coming tonight."

Starbuck snickered. Oh, I intend to be coming tonight, I assure you of that, Captain. "Of course!" he replied aloud, with good cheer. "You know me, can't stay away from good company and good booze." He dropped into his accustomed place beside Apollo, grinning indiscriminately around the table at his friends.

"Told you he'd be here, Apollo," Boomer said. He reached for his half-empty glass and drained it. "Not like he has a hot date or anything tonight."

"Or any night, lately," Starbuck said hastily, in an attempt to forestall a response from Apollo. If he truly wanted to keep this relationship a secret, he'd better learn to control his reactions. The man looked like a thundercloud ready to burst, just at the slightest hint Starbuck might see anyone else. "Seems the ladies have formed a vast anti-Starbuck conspiracy."

General laughter met this remark. "Took them long enough to catch on," Jolly grinned.

"And what do you mean by that?" Starbuck put on an expression of hurt with a twinkle in his eye. "I'm quite a catch, I'll have you know."

Apollo snickered into his ambrosa.

"But enough about me. Anything interesting going on lately?"

Starbuck was relieved when the conversation turned to less dangerous ground.

Everyone was surprised when Apollo left early.

"Where you going, Pol?" Starbuck asked, as surprised as anyone else.

"I'm heading out. Sorry, guys- I'm just tired. See you all later."

Starbuck hid a smile, satisfied that nothing was wrong. He'd caught that quick look and quirked eyebrow before Pol left. Now the trouble would be staying here long enough to allay suspicion before making his own excuses.

Someone broke out a card deck and Starbuck played a few hands very badly. After losing three times in a row, he threw the cards on the table in exasperation and stood up.

"I have no luck at all tonight. I'm going to bed."

He turned his back and left, followed by the laughter of his friends. He smiled broadly. Little did they know he'd lost deliberately, in an attempt to gain an excuse to leave.

Whistling once again, he wove through the corridors until he reached Apollo's room. He knocked softly on the door, seized by a sudden worry that Apollo really was tired and had gone to bed. But the door slid open and he entered.

"Oof!"

Apollo caught him up in a fierce hug as soon as the door slid shut behind him. "I thought you were never going to get here," he murmured into Starbuck's neck.

Starbuck kissed his love on the forehead. "What, and miss out on a chance to see you? No way. I just had to stay a bit, so nobody would know where I was going. I think Boomer's suspicious."

Apollo tensed and pulled away. "He wouldn't tell anyone, would he?"

"I doubt it, not Boom-boom. He'd be more likely to make friends with the Cylons than tell your father about us."

"Good." Apollo relaxed again. He pulled at Starbuck's hands, leading him towards the bedroom. "I missed you."

Starbuck smiled. "I missed you too, Pol. This is harder than I thought it would be. I can hardly remember to keep my hands off you in public."

"You want hard?" Apollo's voice dropped to a throaty growl. "I'll give you hard. C'mere, you- in there."

He propelled Starbuck towards the bedroom with a gentle shove, already undoing his clothing. Starbuck felt a wide grin of anticipation spread across his face as he settled to the bed. What had he ever done to deserve such happiness?

"Pol, I'm picking up something on my scanner," Starbuck said into his microphone. "Large energy sources, readings consistent with baseships."

"Frack. We'd better check it out. After you, Lieutenant."

Starbuck turned his Viper towards the source of the disturbing readings. His computer chirped and chittered. "They're baseships, all right. Two of 'em, hanging in close orbit around that moon ahead."

"Wonder what they're after?" There was a pause, then, "Starbuck, I'm picking up incoming vessels, six of them. Lets get out of here."

"I'm with you, Captain."

The two Vipers turned back the way they had come. Laser bursts made the trip more interesting as the six raiders gained on them.

"Frack! That was too close. Can't we just turn back and fry these bastards?" Starbuck wished there was a turbo button to boost the turbo button.

"Negative, Bucko- we have to let the Galactica know about these guys. Remember? She's heading straight for them. Besides, they can't follow us much further, you know that."

Starbuck sighed with relief as the pursuing raiders turned back.

"Thank Sagan they have small fuel tanks. Wonder what's so important back there?"

"I have no idea. Maybe someone back home will know."

"We're headed back right away, then?"

"Of course. We discovered a threat, we have to report it. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason," Starbuck grinned. "Just that I can't talk dirty to you if we're going back into comms range."

The speaker relayed indignant spluttering. Starbuck laughed.

"Not now, Starbuck." Apollo didn't even look up from the computer readout.

"Oh, come on, Apollo..." Starbuck wheedled. "It'll be fun- just you and me in a private room on the Rising Star-"

"I said, not now. I'm busy, and I'll be busy for a long time yet. Now get your ass off my desk, Lieutenant, and I'll be off duty that much faster."

Starbuck's eyes widened in surprise. Apollo had always been rather uptight about work, but this was taking a new turn. He stayed where he was. "What's the matter, Pol? Did you misplace your sense of adventure?"

"I did not. However, you seem to have misplaced your sense of duty, as well as your ability to follow orders. Move. Now." He still continued to type.

Starbuck sighed and rose from the desk. "What's so all-fired important, anyway? Your shift was up a centar ago, same as mine."

"In case you've forgotten," Apollo's tone dripped acid sarcasm, "there are Cylons out there. Remember? They singed your tailfins while we were on patrol. I have to complete these pilot reviews before I can sort out the duty roster."

"Fine. Be that way then. I'm going. You're lousy company in one of these moods anyway." Starbuck walked slowly towards the door. "Hope you have a good time with your reviews."

He paused by the door, giving Apollo ample opportunity to stop him, then sighed and left. Sometimes Apollo was just too dedicated for his own good.

He went off to the OC for a drink and a game, but his heart just wasn't in it. He wanted Apollo. In fact, he wanted lots and lots of Apollo, all hot and steamy and begging for mercy... because surely, after that little scene earlier, Apollo deserved to be tortured.

Starbuck decided to leave. He had a strong desire for the privacy of his own quarters right about now...

In the corridor, Starbuck heard a familiar voice hail him.

"Starbuck! Wait!"

He turned to see Apollo hurrying towards him. "Hey, got tired of sitting in front of that old computer, I see."

"Kind of. Look, about what I said earlier-" he paused and looked around. No one else was in the corridor. "I'm sorry. I was stressed out, and I didn't mean to snap at you. Forgive me?"

Starbuck looked at him seriously for a moment, taking in the shy little smile and the body language that said "I'm sorry" louder than any words. "Maybe," he said, deadpan. Apollo's shoulders wilted. "If you make it up to me."

The uncertainty in Apollo's eyes finally destroyed his self-control and he had to laugh.

"Starbuck..." Apollo shook his head with a wry grin. "Sometimes you are just too much. Turning in already? I'll walk with you." He started off towards Starbuck's quarters.

"I'm not really tired. You can come in for a bit, if you want." Starbuck cursed the necessity of hiding their relationship. But if Adama ever found out, there'd be hell to pay.

"I just may do that. Those reports had me so stressed I was ready to chew through a bulkhead."

"I could tell."

Apollo winced. "Look, I said I was sorry-" They stopped in front of Starbuck's quarters.

Starbuck opened the door and stepped inside. Apollo followed. "And I said, you'll have to make it up to me." He shut the door and wrapped his arms around his lover.

"Lords, Star, I really am sorry." Apollo kissed him. "I don't know what got into me. Must have been the stress."

"Yeah, well, I'll forgive you- this time." He moved away from Apollo to settle on the edge of his oversized bed. It had once been standardized bunk beds, but he'd converted them into a nice large single by judicious application of a screwdriver. It dominated the tiny room now, leaving scarcely enough space to move around. "Gonna join me?" He patted the covers invitingly.

"Okay." Apollo was suddenly shy. Starbuck felt his groin tighten in anticipation. This could be quite a pleasant evening yet, despite the lousy start.

Starbuck sighed. He had to get up, get dressed, go to work- had to face another day of pretending Pol was just another friend. Keeping their relationship secret was taking a toll on their friendship. Sure, everything was wonderful beyond belief when they were alone together, but when there were other people around... he sighed again. Not too long ago, Apollo had gotten reamed by Tigh for showing favoritism to a particular officer. There had been complaints filed, he said. Starbuck wished he knew who had done the complaining so he could show them a little favoritism of his own. Apollo had been so damned busy of late, they hadn't hardly seen each other. And when they did, it wasn't even like it had been before, since Apollo was being extra hard on him. No more accusations of favoritism, oh nosiree.

There was a soft knock on his door. "Come in," he called, puzzled. Who could be visiting him at this hour?

"Starbuck?"

"Boxey! What brings you here?"

A small pajama-clad figure entered, drooping. "I don't feel good, an' I can't find Dad, an' I can't bother Grandpa..."

"Uh-oh. Maybe you'd better tell me what's wrong."

"I think I have to throw up."

"Not in here, you don't," Starbuck muttered. "Well, come on then," he said, taking the small hand. "Let's get you back home and see if we can't make you feel better, okay?"

"Okay. I didn't even eat any mushies last night. I don't know why I have to throw up."

"You probably just caught a bug somewhere, that's all." Coaxing and encouraging, Starbuck got Boxey all the way back to his home without any accidents. But no sooner were they in the door than Boxey was off like a shot for the turboflush, to be noisily sick. Starbuck sighed and followed him in, for whatever comfort his presence might offer. You owe me one, Pol, he thought, as he stroked the small head.

After Boxey was done, Starbuck tried to raise Apollo on the communicator, only to be told the Captain was in a meeting and not accepting calls. Oh yeah, he's got all the pilots in for a collective ass-chewing, which I'm missing out on. He grinned. There was an advantage to Boxey's illness, after all! He called Commander Adama instead.

"Yes, Starbuck, what is it?"

"Sorry to bother you, Commander, but I've got a sick young man here and Apollo's in a meeting. Are you free at the moment? Boxey really needs to go to sickbay, and I'm supposed to be in that meeting as well."

"I'll be right over. Adama out." The worried grandfather took over from the Commander in an instant. Starbuck sat on the couch with an arm around Boxey until Adama arrived.

"Thank you, Starbuck," Adama said, as he took charge of his grandson.

"Anytime, Commander!" He knelt down to Boxey's level. "Now you get better, you hear me? I want to see you happy and well tonight, not hanging over the turboflush."

"I'll try." Boxey smiled weakly, then followed his grandfather out the door.

Starbuck made it to the flight deck in time to see the pilots emerging from the Captain's office. He sniffed delicately. Yes, that was the aroma of singed pilot in the air...

"Lieutenant Starbuck." Apollo stood in the door to his office. "Would you mind stepping in here for a moment, please? That is, if it isn't too much of a bother."

Starbuck wasn't the only one to wince at the sarcastic bite of the Captain's voice. He rolled his eyes and grinned at the good luck signs from the other pilots.

"Yes, Captain?" he said as the door slid shut behind him.

"I don't suppose you'd consider telling me why you missed this meeting, would you?"

"I had something to take care of," Starbuck said, with wary caution. Apollo was clearly in a foul temper, and he wouldn't take kindly to hearing that his son had had to turn to Starbuck for help because his father could not be reached.

"Something to take care of," Apollo repeated. "I... see, Lieutenant. What was the something? It had better have been important... or do you really love the smell of fertilizer so much you crave another turn at hauling the shit-wagons?"

"Hey!" Starbuck protested. "I was holding your son's head over the turboflush, because he was sick and didn't have anyone else to turn to! Is that an important enough reason, Captain?"

"Boxey? He's ill?" Apollo was instantly worried. Starbuck knew he shouldn't, but he said it anyway.

"He couldn't get through to you, so he came to me."

The guilt on Apollo's face made him wish he'd kept his mouth shut. "Where is he now?"

"The Commander took him to sick bay. He'll be fine."

"Poor boy. Okay, you've won your reprieve- this time." Apollo nodded towards the door, and Starbuck left in a hurry. Behind him he could hear Apollo calling the Life Center.

"Whoa! What's wrong with you?" Starbuck halted abruptly. Cassie didn't even look up. She just continued crying quietly. He sighed and sat down next to her. Pol would just have to wait a bit, that was all there was to it. Cassie obviously had a problem, and it just wasn't in Starbuck's nature to turn his back on a friend in need. "All right, tell me what it is. What's the problem?"

Cassie raised her head from her hands. "I lost her, and it was all my fault. I didn't get to her in time, I stopped on the way to have a snack and when I got there she was dead-" She turned to sob on Starbuck's shoulder.

"Come on, now- surely you don't feel responsible?" He stroked her hair and felt her nod against his shoulder. "Tell me about her. What was wrong with her?"

Cassie launched into a garbled description of the patient's condition, which amounted to an unknown disease. She and Dr. Salik had struggled to keep the woman alive for weeks, but she just continued to decline.

"Cassie..." Starbuck tried to find something reassuring to say, but couldn't. "Look, from what you just told me the lady was dying anyway, right?"

Cassie wiped her eyes and nodded.

"So quit feeling guilty. Look at it this way- you need to eat, right? And you owe it to all of your patients to be at your best, which you can't do if you're weak with hunger. There's nothing you can do to stop death, if it's someone's time to go."

"Thanks, Starbuck." She raised her head off his shoulder to look at him from her red-rimmed eyes. "You're very sweet to try to cheer me up."

"Anytime." He smiled. "Will you be all right now? Because I'm late- Apollo was expecting me for Triad practice."

"I'm fine, Starbuck. You go on." She summoned up a tiny, tremulous smile.

"That's my girl." He gave her shoulders a final squeeze and kissed her gently on the forehead. "Call me if you need to talk, okay?"

"Okay. Isn't that Apollo over there?"

Starbuck craned his head. Sure enough, there was Apollo in the doorway. Starbuck smiled broadly and rose. "Gotta run. See you around, Cass."

He wove through the nearly empty tables to greet Apollo, a guilty smile on his face. "Sorry I'm late, I got sidetracked."

"I see that." Apollo's voice was tight with anger.

"What's wrong?"

"Not here." Apollo turned and marched off down the corridor, bootheels pounding the floor aggressively. Starbuck, puzzled, fell in behind.

"Hey, aren't we going the wrong way? The Triad courts are that way-"

"I said, not here." He turned down the corridor that led to the private living quarters.

A feeling of dread stole over Starbuck. He followed Apollo into his quarters silently. The door had barely closed behind him when Apollo turned on him.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

"What?"

"I saw you kissing Cassiopeia. Right there in front of me. I can't believe you did that, Starbuck!" Apollo began pacing the small room.

"I was comforting her-"

"Comforting! I'll just bet you were. I thought you could be trusted. I heard all the rumors, but I was stupid enough to believe you really cared."

"Of course I care! Dammit, Pol, I love you."

"Then what's up with all the rumors I keep hearing, about you and all those women? Lords, Starbuck, do you think I'm blind and stupid? I know all about you and the ladies in the OC and on the Rising Star. You fracking asshole! Running around behind my back."

"Then if you know that, you also know that nothing happened with any of them. Stand still and listen to me!" Starbuck was nearly as angry as Apollo, now. He hadn't done anything wrong. Pol could just be so blind sometimes- so certain that he was right that he refused to listen to truth. "What do you expect me to do, anyway? Crawl under a rock and hide because you're too busy to go out with me? Oh, excuse me- I meant because you don't want to be seen with me, in case the Almighty Adama figures out his precious son is a pervert."

"You leave my father out of this." Apollo halted his frenetic pacing and pinned Starbuck with a fiery green glare. "This is just between you and me."

"What is, Pol? Your completely unfounded lack of trust in me?"

"I saw you kissing your girlfriend, dammit! Right there in front of me!"

"Ex."

"That's not what I hear."

"Then you heard wrong." Starbuck folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the wall. He was shaking, but damned if he'd let Apollo see that. His entire midsection churned with a sick dread. He knew better than anyone how stubborn Pol could be... and how unforgiving.

"Oh, come on, Starbuck." That green glare never wavered, never softened. "I know you. I know how you are. I even know you were seeing Cassie at the same time as my sister, remember? At least you're consistent."

Starbuck ran a hand through his hair and gritted his teeth. He would not grab those shoulders and shake sense into that stubborn head. "For the last time, I am not seeing Cassie."

"Then why were you kissing her?"

"She lost a patient, was bawling her eyes out. I stopped in at the OC to grab a quick drink before practice, saw her there, and offered her a shoulder."

"So you blew off meeting me to comfort Cassie. That's real nice of you, Starbuck."

"Would you have done any different, if it had been one of your friends?"

"That hardly matters. I'm not the one with the history of being unfaithful here. I've about had it with this, Starbuck- how am I supposed to trust you?"

"Hey, wait just a frackin' minute here! I haven't done a damn thing to betray your trust. If you want to believe a bunch of assholes spreading rumors, that's your problem. I am not cheating on you."

"Maybe it would be better if you just go tonight." The fire had died in Apollo's eyes, to be replaced by a cold glare.

"Maybe you're right." Starbuck pushed away from the wall and left without another word. He retraced their earlier route, intent on consuming enough alcohol to numb the ache within him. Lords, but he hurt. He couldn't ever remember having a real fight with Pol before- they were just too close, too good friends to fight. And now, when they should be even closer... Apollo was drawing away. He was so paranoid that Starbuck would cheat on him that it was ruining what little time they had together.

The doors to the OC slid open, allowing the sounds of happy people to emerge. Starbuck entered and tried to tell himself that everything would be better tomorrow.

Starbuck woke to an unfamiliar scent. It was floral, rather too sweet for his taste, and it surrounded him. He sat up and opened his eyes, only to shut them again rapidly as the room did a spectacular roll and dive to the left. He groaned.

"Starbuck?"

His eyes flew open, to focus with much difficulty on the figure of a woman... in his bathrobe. "Sheba? What the frack are you doing here?"

"You invited me, remember?" She settled to the bed with a smile. Starbuck scooted frantically backwards with the sheet pulled up to his chin.

"I did what?" He didn't even try to conceal the note of panic in his voice.

"Invited me here, with you, to spend the night." She wore an expression of great patience, as though she were explaining something to a small child.

"I did no such thing! I can't, I promised- I mean, I-" Oh shit! Pol was going to kill him! How could he possibly have done something so stupid? And with Sheba, of all people!

"Well, you were a little drunk at the time." Sheba reached out to brush the hair from his eyes and he flinched away. "Relax, Star- I'm not going to hit you! You're so jumpy today. I'd almost think you didn't want me here."

"I don't!" The words emerged in a panicky bleat. He tried for a deep breath. "I don't know what I was drinking last night or why I supposedly invited you here, but I don't want you here now. Now will you please leave? And get dressed, dammit! You're in my robe."

Sheba's lower lip trembled. Starbuck pointed to the door. Large tears formed in her eyes. His eyebrows lowered into a menacing glower. She sighed gustily. His eyes flickered briefly downwards, but the pointing finger never wavered.

"Oh, all right then," Sheba pouted. She tossed her hair back over her shoulder. "I'll leave, if you insist. Never mind everything you said last night-"

"Spare me the details and just get the frack out of here." Starbuck groaned and rubbed his forehead. It felt like a Cylon was doing a tap-dance on his cranium.

He ignored Sheba's mutters while she got dressed. He ignored her even more intently when she paused at his door before leaving. What the hell had he been thinking? Obviously he hadn't been thinking at all. He still wasn't thinking. The pain in his head was intense. Maybe he'd better do something about it, but right now he just felt like laying in bed and suffering.

His door hissed open. Starbuck emerged from under his pillow to find Apollo staring quietly at him.

"Pol!" His heart gave a funny little skip and a glad smile grew from ear to ear. The smile wavered, then died, as Apollo continued to stare at him with a cold, remote gaze. "Apollo?"

"You've really done it this time, Starbuck." His voice... it was a tone Starbuck had never heard directed towards himself before, a tone reserved for enemies and bitter rivals. Starbuck felt his insides turn to ice.

"Suppose you tell me what I've done." He sat up, trying not to wince.

"Don't pretend to innocence with me, Starbuck." Every word was edged with brittle precision. "I spoke to Sheba. She informed me that you had spent a pleasant night together."

"I don't remember it, Apollo, I really don't- I woke up to find her here, I threw her out as soon as she told me what had happened, I don't know how it could have happened..." Starbuck's frantic babbling died away as Apollo continued to wither him with that cold stare. "I'm sorry," he whispered around a lump in his throat.

"And to think, I was actually on my way over here to apologize." Was that a flash of hurt in those cold eyes? "I thought I would give you the benefit of the doubt this time. You actually had a point worth consideration when you said what you did about your friends- it's true, you had to continue to act like yourself or people would start asking awkward questions about who'd caught your fancy this time. But then you turn around and pull a stunt like this. I just can't trust you, Starbuck. Not anymore. So I'm going to leave here now, and I don't want you to try to follow, is that clear? I want nothing more to do with you. Maybe someday we can be friends again, but I deeply regret that I ever tried to love you. Goodbye, Starbuck."

He turned with military precision and left.

"Apollo!" The cry was torn from the very depths of his soul. Apollo never even flinched, just stepped through the door. Starbuck collapsed facedown on the bed, a mass of agonized heartache. "No," he whispered. Then, louder, "No! No, no, no, no, NO!"

But all the no's in all the worlds couldn't change the fact that Apollo was gone. Hot tears trickled from his eyes, burning his cheeks like acid. Pol was gone. He'd lost the most wonderful thing in his life, the only thing that had made life worth living. The warm place inside where Apollo's love had been was cold, barren- dead.

"Starbuck?" Boomer settled into the chair opposite him. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing." Starbuck continued to stare at the false woodgrain pattern of the table. It was a very nice pattern, if one overlooked the fact that it was repeated identically across the whole table.

"Felgercarb. You haven't said a word all night- just sat here in this corner, staring at the same mug of ale. Now tell me what's up."

"Nothing's up," he replied honestly. Nothing would ever be up again, unless by some miracle Apollo came back to him.

"What happened between you and Apollo?"

Startled, he looked up for a moment, then dropped his eyes again. His friend's concern was obvious, but he didn't deserve it. All he deserved was the pain he felt inside, the pain which came from his own stupidity. If he'd done things diffferently, maybe he wouldn't have lost Apollo. Tears prickled his eyes at the thought, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

"Starbuck..." Boomer sighed. "Look, I think I can guess what happened, and I'll bet it had something to do with that bitch Sheba. Didn't it."

He nodded. His eyes traced the pattern over and over again, trying not to see the cold, indifferent stare of his lover's face in memory. It had been over a week now, and the pain hadn't lessened. In fact, he hurt worse now than he had when it had happened. Every time he climbed into the cockpit of his Viper, knowing that Apollo wasn't the one flying with him- every time he went into his room, knowing that Apollo wouldn't drop by for a visit- hell, everytime he looked around and saw something that reminded him of Apollo, the pain got worse. He wasn't sure he could bear it much longer.

"Thought so. Whatever it was, Apollo's furious. You're lucky he shifted you opposite him- the rest of us are walking on eggshells. Even Sheba has gotten the message loud and clear- after the time she mentioned that night and he nearly knocked her through a bulkhead."

"He did that?" A faint spark of interest broke his attention from the pattern. "Wish I dared, he'd have me in the brig."

"Starbuck, I wish you would tell me what happened. Maybe I could help somehow." Boomer's concern was too much for Starbuck to bear and he looked away.

"No, Boom-boom. I can't tell you, and you couldn't help anyway. There's only one person that could help me now, and he won't even speak to me."

"Well, just remember- if you ever need to talk, I'm here." Boomer rose to leave.

"Thanks, Boomer," Starbuck said softly. He traced the pattern with his fingertip this time. He really didn't deserve friends like Boomer.

Apollo... The yearning took him off guard. He was smothered in a wave of agony. I can't believe this happened... why? Why did I have to fuck up so badly? Why?

Was this all that was left to life, nothing but pain? Avoiding Apollo was becoming more difficult by the day- not because of any efforts at locating him on Apollo's part, but because of his own desire to see the man he loved again. The need to be near him pulled at Starbuck's very soul, demanding acknowledgement. It was driving him to distraction. He had to get control of himself somehow. It had been over a week now, surely he should not still be suffering so. No matter how he berated himself, though, the ache refused to go away. Eating was impossible- he knew he had to take care of his body, but how could he eat when everything threatened to come right back up? And as for sleeping... Starbuck shuddered. He wasn't sure which was worse, the nightmares or the erotic dreams. Both left him shaken and near tears, if not actually sobbing. Something had to be done, and soon. Only there was nothing to be done, was there- Apollo had made that quite clear. I want nothing more to do with you. The words cut like knives, burned like salt on raw wounds. He lowered his head to the table, atop his right arm. He managed to quiet his thoughts and stared into nothingness, aching.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when a commotion roused him.

"Starbuck- wake up!" It was Boomer again, this time with Sheba's arm in a tight grip. Starbuck raised his head listlessly. "Someone's got something to tell you- doesn't she, Sheba." He tightened his grip on her arm and Sheba snarled.

"I don't want to hear it. What do you mean, bringing this bitch in front of me?" Starbuck found enough energy to get angry from some hidden reserve.

"Oh no, Bucko- I think you really want to hear this. Sheba?"

There was no response. Boomer shook her, hard enough to earn a glare.

"Oh, all right!" She looked at a point somewhere above Starbuck's head. "I never slept with you."

"What?" Starbuck was on his feet in a heartbeat.

"I never slept with you that night. You passed out. I took you back to your room, figured I could trick you into thinking you wanted me."

"You fracking bitch! Get out of my sight, now- before you regret the day you were born!"

Boomer released his hold on her arm and she made a hasty exit. Starbuck glared after her furiously, then his knees crumpled and refused to support him. He collapsed back into his seat with a gasp. "That bitch, that fracking bitch! I'm gonna kill her!"

"No, you're not. You're going to come with me to Apollo's quarters and tell him what really happened that night, aren't you." It was a statement, not a question. Starbuck looked up at Boomer with hope dawning across his face.

"If I didn't... then he has no reason to be mad at me! C'mon, Boom-boom, what're you waiting for?" He lurched to his feet. He was feeling the effects of his inability to eat.

Starbuck could never recall how he'd gotten from the OC to Apollo's quarters. He was just there, as though transported instantaneously through some fantastical transporter. Boomer knocked on the door as Starbuck's guts churned.

"Who is it?" Apollo's voice emerged from within.

"It's me, Apollo- Boomer."

"Okay, come on in."

The door slid open. Boomer stepped through first, followed by Starbuck. His heart was in his throat. He hoped Apollo would hear him out, rather than throwing him out on his ear.

"What are you doing here?" There was that cold tone again. He sat on his couch, a book on his lap. He didn't bother to rise. Starbuck took a deep breath and met Apollo's furious glare.

"I talked to Sheba a few centonss ago."

"And why is this of interest to me?" Cold, hostile- Starbuck would have gotten a warmer reception if he'd been a Cylon.

"She lied!" Starbuck felt something strange happening to the muscles of his face. Oh yeah, it was a smile- something he hadn't had occasion to do recently. "Nothing happened that night! She said I passed out, and she tried to trick me the next day."

"A likely story. Boomer, would you get him out of here? You know he's not welcome." There was never any change in the hostility, never a hint that Apollo might forgive and forget.

"Oh, come on, Apollo," Boomer said. "Don't be ridiculous. I was there myself- Sheba confessed to everrything. She was just trying to get into his bed. Nothing happened."

"I don't believe either one of you. Now will you just get out? And Starbuck-"

His heart clenched painfully at the sound of Apollo saying his name.

"Don't come back again."

The world crumbled out from under him. He was vaguely aware of Boomer catching him before he hit the ground, but nothing mattered. Nothing mattered at all, except the fact that Apollo wanted him gone. Apollo didn't believe him. Apollo didn't care. He stumbled alongside Boomer, not much caring what happened next. Eventually, movement stopped. Boomer pushed him gently into a bed. Starbuck just lay there, staring at the ceiling. He wasn't even aware when Boomer left.

Life went downhill from there. Starbuck moved through his days in a greyed-out haze. His friends were concerned, but couldn't shake him from the deep depression. Periodically someone tried to bully him into eating enough to stay alive, but more often than not it either came back up or ran right through. Starbuck didn't care. All he cared about was the constant ache inside him, the pain which never left him unless he was deeply unconscious. He had caught the trick of sleeping without dreaming, and he did it often. Every hour that he wasn't on duty found him in his bed, trying to blank his mind and enjoy a few more hours of not hurting. The only activity he came close to enjoying anymore was writing in his personal log. Too bad Apollo would never read it- then he would learn the truth. But Starbuck knew it would be too late. He could tell he was dying. Oh, sure, he'd laughed as hard as anyone else at the notion of someone dying of a broken heart, but what other explanation was there for what was happening to him? It wasn't even frightening anymore. The first time he'd realized he had almost no feeling in his hands or feet, he'd been alarmed. But he was too deeply depressed to care. He deserved to suffer. So he made no mention of it to anyone when the numbness crept farther up his arms and legs. His friends noticed his increased clumsiness, but put it down to lack of food. Sometimes, he wished vaguely that he could eat something and keep it down, but what was the point?

Death. It was such an attractive concept. Always before, he'd feared it. Oh, sure, he flew in Death's face every time he strapped himself into a Viper, but the thought of actually dying had been one of absolute horror. Now it was an old friend, something to be welcomed and embraced. Surely he deserved an end to this miserable suffering existence. Surely he deserved to die.

He even knew how he'd do it. There were plenty of things in the LIfe Center which would do the trick. He'd snuck into sick bay several days ago, when he could still feel his hands somewhat. He had stolen a few tablets of a particularly strong systemic depressant. His body was weak enough now that even one of those pills would be enough, much less the four he'd stolen. All he needed to do was take them, lay down, and just sleep his life away. Perhaps he'd even do it tonight. Yes, that seemed like a good idea... put an end to the horror that his life had become, a place where the only person he'd ever loved despised him. His eyes prickled, but he had no more tears.

He got slowly to his numb feet and staggered to the bed. The pills were there, under his pillow. He'd even had the foresight to get a bottle of water to take them with. He stared at the tiny white circles in his hand, then smiled and swallowed them down. The water made him want to gag, but he didn't. He sat down to wait for something to happen, then his eye fell on the computer terminal. Perhaps one last journal entry, while he waited... Not that it would do anyone any good, but he was too nervous now to sleep. He sat in front of the console and began to type, slowly and painstakingly since he could barely feel his fingers.

"Captain Apollo? Sir?"

A hesitant voice broke into Apollo's concentration. It was a security guard. "Yes? What is it?" he snapped irritably. He was always irritable these days.

"There's been a problem, Captain," the guard said, shuffling his feet awkwardly. "And there's something you need to see."

"What is it, man? Out with it, I haven't got all day."

"One of your pilots is dead, sir. And he... he left you a message."

"What? Who? What are you talking about?" Apollo was on his feet in an instant. "Tell me what happened."

"If you'll come with me, sir..." The guard led the way out of Apollo's office.

"Who was it? And what the hell happened?" Apollo stretched his long legs, hurrying the guard along. One of his pilots, dead! It hardly seemed possible.

"It was a suicide, sir. They found a bottle of Morfenol in the room."

"Suicide?" Apollo stopped in his tracks. "But all of my pilots are happy, except..." All color drained from his face.

"It was Lieutenant Starbuck, sir."

Apollo stared in silence at the sympathy on the face of the man in front of him, then clamped down savagely on his emotional reaction and set off for Starbuck's room.

It was empty when they arrived, save for the doctor. Dr. Salik was reading something on the computer with horrified fascination.

"Ah, there you are, Apollo." The doctor straightened from the computer. "I sent for you because I think you need to see this." He stepped aside from the computer.

Apollo sat down, still in shock. Surely this was some kind of abominable joke. He began to read.

Well, I did it. I stole the pills a few days ago- what's it matter, Pol thinks I'm scum anyway. Now I'm just waiting. It should be soon, I hope- I really can't take much more of this pain. I failed you, Apollo. I tried so hard to love you, but it just didn't work out. I never wanted anyone else. I cried every night when you dumped me. I failed you. I'm sorry, it's all my fault. I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

"We found him with his hand on the keyboard," Dr. Salik said.

"Have you any further business here?" Apollo said, in a voice which was choked and strangled almost beyond all recognition.

"Not really, sir."

"Then will you please leave?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Captain." Dr. Salik apologized. "I'll stay out of your way, but I can't leave you alone right now."

"Whatever. Just stay away from me!" Apollo growled savagely. He couldn't believe Starbuck was dead. He had to know more. He scrolled back through the journal entries until he reached the day after they'd first gotten together and started reading.

I can't believe this has finally happened. I've wanted him for so long, and now he's all mine. Pol was incredible last night, beyond even my wildest dreams- and you know my dreams get pretty wild! And waking up with him this morning... I thought my heart would burst. It feels so good to be in love.

This really sucks. Pol got his ass chewed for showing favoritism, so now who gets nailed? Me. Of course. Starbuck gets all the shit-work from now until the Cylons all keel over dead, just so Pol doesn't get his pretty little ass chewed again. Of course, I wouldn't mind chewing his ass, but that's different. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish we could tell people, could shout to the whole universe how much we're in love... but that'll never happen. Not until Adama becomes a bit more tolerant of... ahem... alternative lifestyles, shall we say?

I wonder what is wrong with Pol. He just won't listen to me. I love him too much to risk what we have, but he doesn't believe that. He watches me constantly, waiting for me to make one wrong move. I can't even talk to my friends at night, if they happen to be female. Lords! You should have seen what happened today, when I gave poor Cassie a shouder to cry on. You'd have thought I was fucking her right there on the table! Sheesh. Why doesn't he trust me? But then, I know the answer to that, don't I. No one trusts me, because I'm not trustworthy. But I love him too much to throw it away for anything.

I hurt. I really, really hurt. Sheba tricked me into bed, and now Apollo's gone.

Boomer made Sheba come clean today. I passed out, she never had sex with me. But Apollo still won't listen, He was so cold, so hard... just sent me away without any hesitation. Why didn't he believe me? I used to think he loved me. I thought that maybe if he heard the truth he'd love me again. But I guess not. I guess I'm going to have to stay away from him, try to forget this pain inside me... no! I won't forget, I refuse to forget that I love him. Apollo! Why can't you believe me? Why can't you just love me like you used to? I didn't do anything wrong!

"How could I have been so wrong? Dear gods, he tried to tell me, and I just wouldn't listen! And now he's dead. Starbuck's dead!"

"Captain?" Dr. Salik approached uncertainly.

"Go away! Leave me alone! Starbuck's dead, you hear me?" Apollo rose from the chair and advanced on the doctor. "He's dead, and I killed him with my own fucking stupidity! Now leave me alone! Just leave me alone!"

"I told you, I can't do that," the doctor said. His hand disappeared for a moment and he gazed steadily back at the wild-eyed man in front of him.

"Don't you get it? I loved him, and he's dead! He's dea..."

Apollo wilted to the ground. Dr. Salik spared him a pitying look, then slipped the emptied hypospray of tranquilizer back into his pocket. He stuck his head out into the corridor.

"Security? I need to get this man to the Life Center."

Apollo smiled as the door hissed shut behind his father. Alone at last. He'd gotten so tired of having people constantly around him, watching every move he made. Sometimes he thought they were even counting his breaths. They thought he was suicidal for a long time there. Imagine that. Why would he ever want to kill himself, when he'd caused the man he loved to do just that? But he couldn't do it while they were watching him so closely. So he pretended- pretended to be calm, pretended nothing was wrong. It was still three sectons before they'd allowed him out of sick bay. And now he was alone.

"Well, Starbuck," he said aloud, "looks like they've finally gone away. I thought they never would leave me alone for a while there. I did get a laugh, though- remember when father figured out exactly why I was so upset that you'd gone and killed yourself?"

He waited for a response. It may have been his imagination, but there was the faintest hint of a chuckle. "I thought he was going to drop dead himself, right there on the spot. And now it's all over the entire fleet- how Apollo and Starbuck were secret lovers. And he's the only one who's at all surprised by this." He dropped onto his couch with a sigh.

"It was right here, Bucko- right here that you finally convinced me to take a chance on you. I remember it so clearly..." He felt a tear form in his eye and scrubbed it away. He'd cried enough. "I can't believe I was so stupid. And now, here I am, alone- talking to your ghost. Don't laugh at me!" He grinned. "I can feel you nearby, Bucko- don't try to deny it. I'll come join you soon, I promise. But for now, I have to be a good little Captain, until they let me fly again. Then I'll come to you, my love, and we'll be together again. I hope you can forgive me for being so stupid..."

The one-sided conversation stretched on into the night. Apollo talked to the presence which only he felt until his throat was sore and he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. He felt a phantom kiss on his cheek as he drifted off to sleep.

Apollo shut off his communicator. It felt good to be back in a Viper again, speeding through the stars, away from all the stresses of everyday life. They'd finally okayed him to fly again, after nearly three sectons out of the Life Center, although they still hadn't certified him competent to resume Captain's duties... or to take care of his son. Boxey remained with Athena until the doctor said he could return home. Only Apollo knew that would never happen.

"Starbuck, I'm coming to you today! I hope you're ready for me. There's plenty of Cylons out here who will be happy to oblige me in this. I feel kind of bad for my family, and a little for Blue Squadron too, but they'll survive. I won't. I see you everywhere, smiling at me... or worse, the way you were before you died. I should have realized from how you were acting that you really did love me. Gods, I was stupid. I promise you, I will never be that stupid again."

Blue Squadron reached the scene of the attack. Cylons had emerged from nowhere and tried to blow some of the bulkier freighters out of the sky. They were everywhere. Apollo shot one down out of reflex, then cursed himself for a fool.

"Here I come, Starbuck! I'll be with you forever this time, and I'll never be so stupid again! I love you..."

Apollo turned his Viper directly into an oncoming raider. There was a flash, and then nothing.