I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too
but what else can we do- tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
for times when my life seems so low
it would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
when today doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
does the feeling seem oh so right
and what would you say if I called on you now
and said that I can't hold on
there's no easy way it gets harder each day
please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

~Air Supply

Starbuck lay in the darkened room, unable to sleep. He tried to force his mind to quiet stillness, so he could get some rest, but it was no use. His treacherous thoughts ran in the same circular path they had worn in to his mind over the last few sectons. I can't believe this happened, followed by the inevitable why?

He sighed and rolled over onto his side. He balled the pillow into a more comfortable lump and gave in to the inevitable.

Well, if I'm going to think about Apollo, then I'm going to do it on my own terms. No more of this "why?" felgercarb. And I might as well give over with the denial bit- it happened, and no matter how many times I think how I can't believe it- well, it just ain't going to go away.

With the decision to actually face his thoughts, all possibility of sleep fled. He sighed again, then sat up. He propped the pillow against the wall and leaned on it.

"Okay, Bucko," he said aloud. "What the hell's your problem?"

The answer presented itself loudly and clearly, and this time he faced it without flinching: he just couldn't live without Apollo.

I'm probably going to regret this, Apollo's voice said in his memory, but I'm getting tired of keeping this damn secret.

What secret, Pol? he'd asked, so naively.

And Apollo had answered. I'm in love, Starbuck.

But that's wonderful, Apollo! Why would you want to keep that a secret?

Because, and Apollo had taken a deep breath. Because I doubt you'll approve who I'm in love with.

Something about his look had given Starbuck the first clue- perhaps the way his eyes slid off to the side, or the faint flush creeping over his cheekbones. Whatever- it had been enough to start his gut twisting in his midsection. So who's the lucky lady? he'd said, taking refuge as always in a light teasing tone.

Then Pol had smiled, looking at him at last. Not a lady, Bucko- not a lady at all. It's you.

The memory ground to a halt and Starbuck felt his cheeks heat with shame. He'd overreacted rather badly. Apollo would probably never forgive him for the way he'd lashed out in confused anger.

"Frack. So he's never going to forgive me, and I've finally figured out I just can't make it without him."

Starbuck pounded on his bed. How could he have been so stupid? Just because he'd been afraid to accept the fact that Apollo loved him... just because he had a guilty conscience, stemming from yahrens of erotic dreams which occasionally tormented him... frack.

Time he faced the facts. Just because he found another man undeniably attractive did not make him any less of a man, any less of a warrior, any less himself. There was no shame in having the dreams that he enjoyed so much- while they were occuring. Of course, after he woke up was a different story... but anyway, they were nothing to be ashamed of. And most of all, there was no harm in feeling love- yes, go ahead and say it, love- for another man, at least not when that man was Apollo. Walking away from him had been the stupidest mistake ever.

Starbuck felt a curious lightness, as though a great weight had fallen away from him. He glanced at the clock- 0347. Apollo would be in his quarters now, probably in bed and sound asleep. Before he could think about what he was doing, Starbuck rose from his bed and wrapped his robe around himself. He slipped out the door, down the corridor- catch the lift, up one level, then third door to the right... Still not thinking, he keyed in the lock code. For a moment, the mechanism hesitated, and he was afraid Apollo had changed the code on him. But then there was a click and a hiss, and the door slid open. Starbuck took a deep breath, then stepped inside.

Relying on memory, he moved through Apollo's suite, only encountering one piece of hostile furniture. He rubbed his shin and swore quietly at the low table, then continued on into Apollo's room. Silent as a ghost, he found his way to the bed and sat down on the edge.

He could see a dim shape in the near total darkness. For some reason, the sight and the faint sound of breathing, combined with his knowledge that this was Apollo, combined to choke him up. He swallowed against the sudden tightness in his throat and scrubbed a hand across his prickling eyes. It really had been too long apart, thanks to his own idiocy.

Apollo moved. Starbuck inhaled sharply in surprise. At the sound, Apollo sat bolt upright.

"Who's there?"

"Uh..." Starbuck swallowed again, hard. "It's me, Pol."

"Starbuck?" Even in the darkness, the incredulity was plain in the other man's voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I- frack." Starbuck gathered his courage and started over agin. "Look, I know I really have no right to be here after what I did, but I want to apologize."

Apollo shifted to a more comfortable position, moving away from Starbuck. "Go on."

"I'm not really sure what I want to say, or how to say it," Starbuck began awkwardly. "But look- I overreacted. I was scared. I never meant to hurt you, and I never stopped to think about me either. I'm sure you'll probably just tell me to shut up and go away and forget anything ever happened, but I have to try- frack."

There was a strained silence while Starbuck tried to gather his scattered thoughts.

"I'm listening," Apollo prompted.

Starbuck sighed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is- I'm not scared anymore. I'm not confused anymore. What I am is lonely as hell. I screwed up, because I was afraid to admit that I cared about you. I've been afraid to face that for yahrens, even though- never mind."

"What are you saying?" There was a strange quality to Apollo's voice- strained, yet hopeful.

"What I'm saying is that- hell. Without you, there's nothing left in my life- I'm totally lost. I know I have no real right to ask it of you, but I will anyway, because I have to- I need to know if you can forgive me, and let me be with you again, because I- I need you..."

Starbuck broke off, unable to articulate his thoughts any further. There was a light touch on his hand, and he reacted by clinging to Apollo's hand like a drowning man.

"Starbuck... I'm not sure I understand what you're saying," Apollo said, wonder threading through his voice and warring with disbelief. "Do you mean...?"

"I mean that I can face the truth about how I feel about you now, and I mean that I'd like a second chance. And I mean that if you give me that chance, I will never, never hurt you again."

Apollo's hand worked free of his fierce grip and Starbuck felt cold fear stab through his heart.

"Is it too late, Apollo? Is it too late for me to say I'm sorry?"

"That depends," Apollo said, with a hint of a chuckle in the darkness.

"Depends on what?" Starbuck tensed, willing Apollo to forgive him with every fiber of his being.

"That depends entirely on your reaction to this..."

And then Apollo was kissing him. Starbuck twitched with surprise, and fire shot through him, replacing the ice of fear in milimicrons. He leaned in to the kiss eagerly, reaching out and finding Apollo's body so he could wrap his arms around him, pulling him closer into an embrace that filled the gaping hole within him...

Then Apollo broke away from the kiss. "You're forgiven," he whispered into Starbuck's ear.