Starbuck turned and walked slowly for the door. Apollo watched, unable to do anything else. Thoughts flickered through his head like lightning. "It's over, Apollo," he'd said. "I can't take this any more."
...turn around...
"Where've you been, Apollo?" Starbuck had looked at him with those accusing blue eyes. Never here, never with him except at night, when no one else need know where the Captain was.
...turn around...
"I don't suppose you've ever thought of how lonely it gets waiting for you, do you, Pol." Not really a question, and what answer could he make anyway? "I gave up my entire social life for you, and what do you do? Leave me alone here, while you go pretending to chase after Sheba. Or is it pretending?"
...turn around...
Another slow, heavy step for the door. He'd fought back, oh yes—said things he really didn't mean. But it hurt, and he was scared. Maybe Starbuck was right, maybe the good times really were all gone, but he didn't want to think so.
...turn around...
"Give me a sign here, Apollo," he'd said. "Some kind of clue, some hint of what I should do. Don't just sit there."
But he had, paralyzed by the thought of losing Starbuck. Words refused to come, and Starbuck mistook his silence for indifference.
...turn around...
"Sometimes I get a little crazy, Apollo," he'd said. Apollo had smiled, just a little bit. "Sometimes I think of throwing it all out—all the damned regs, all the social conventions, everything. You ever think of what it would be like to walk about openly, to not have to hide?"
All the time, he'd wanted to say, but somehow the words just wouldn't come out. Starbuck was at the door now, head down and shoulders slumped. Apollo's throat closed off tight, and he felt hot tears prickling at his eyes. If he went out that door...
...turn around, Brighteyes...
"It's scary, Pol." Those blue eyes had been shadowed, locked on some distant point. "Sometimes, when I'm with you, I forget all about who I am. And then I don't care... not about you, I could never not care about you, but I don't care that I've turned into someone I can't even recognize. And that scares me. Not the change, but the not caring. That's what makes me so mad. I gave up everything for you, I changed my life so completely that I can't even recognize myself, and you just don't give a damn."
...turn around, Brighteyes...
And then he did. He turned for one last look at Apollo before he left, just in time to see a bitter tear slide down Apollo's cheek, to see the naked pain in his eyes.
"Apollo?"
All the pain, all the love, all the repressed emotions he'd had such difficulty with all his life built up within him until he thought he would reach the breaking point. Finally something came out, a harsh whisper:
"Don't go."
"Apollo? What's wrong?" Starbuck took a hesitant step back towards the bed, where Apollo sat with one hand outstretched. He came a bit closer, drawn by the glint of tears on the formerly impassive face.
"Don't go," Apollo said again, louder this time.
"My gods... Apollo, don't tell me I was reading you wrong all this time. You really do care."
Starbuck came back across the room in a rush and dropped to his knees in front of Apollo. Seen at close range, the Captain was no longer cold and remote, utterly impassive. Now the pain in his eyes was clearly visible.
"Don't leave me, Starbuck," he said, voice broken but finally working. As though the words were a floodgate giving way, the dam finally burst. "I need you. I love you. Even if I can't say it, it's still true. You can't go away on me like this. Just because I can't deal with emotions doesn't mean they're not there. Just because I can't say things doesn't mean I don't feel them. I'd do anything to keep you here with me, anything at all. I'd even go on IFB and tell the world I love you, if you thought it would help. I'd do anything for you. Please, tell me what to do to keep you in my life, because without you in it, my life means nothing."
"Apollo..." Starbuck raised a finger, trembling oh-so-slightly, and traced it down Apollo's cheek, wiping away a tear track. "You mean that? You really do care? You're not just saying this?"
Apollo nodded. Words failed him once again. All he could do was stare at those vivid blue eyes, so close to his own now, and pray.
"Well, in that case..." and Starbuck smiled, bringing light into the darkness that had wrapped around Apollo's soul. "What you need to do is forget I said anything tonight. Only—"
Starbuck held up a hand, and the sudden hope blooming in Apollo's chest froze and started to wither.
"Will you try to be more considerate? For Sagan's sake, I'm not asking for marriage here, just a little bit of your time and affection. It really burns me up to see you chasing after Sheba like a daggit in heat."
"I can do that," Apollo whispered. "Oh, lords, Starbuck.... I said I'd do anything, and I meant it. You'll see. Watch me tomorrow. You'll see."
"Tomorrow?" Starbuck moved up onto the bed, sliding his arms around his lover. "I'd better see some of that tonight."
Then they were kissing, a sensation that Apollo had nearly lost forever. "I love you, Brighteyes," he murmured, when he could speak again.
| AS&J | BSG | Farscape | Jeremiah | Jurassic Park | Litslash | Potpourri | SAJV | Star Wars |