I checked the time and bit back a curse. That meeting had gone on too long. I hurried through the halls, hoping Meaghan wouldn't worry too much. I found Richard, patiently waiting with what he thought was my lunch tray.

"Thanks," I said, taking the tray.

"Rough day?" Richard smiled, rising from the boxes he'd been sitting on.

"Yes, you could say that," I agreed. "I'll see you later."

Then I went through the door leading to one of the closed sections of the mountain. As always, I wondered what would happen if someone followed me here, if my secret was discovered. But that wasn't going to happen.

Still, I looked around carefully before I entered the code into the keypad and opened the forbidden door. Meaghan was in there, kept safely within one of two isolation chambers here at Thunder Mountain, locked within a tiny room.

She looked up from her book when I opened the airlock to send her lunch through.

"Hello, Markus. I was beginning to wonder if this would be the day you didn't come."

"That will never happen, Meaghan." I leaned against the glass with a sigh. This was familiar, comfortable... comforting, even, in this suddenly uncertain world. Things had been going so smoothly, so predictably, up until Jeremiah had arrived...

"I can always count on you, can't I." Meaghan pulled the tray out of the airlock and set it aside.

"Of course you can." I wondered what was wrong. I could tell something was bothering her from the way she acted. She wouldn't look at me, and she was moving with quick, jerky little motions, like she only did when she was upset.

"So who is she, Markus?"

I blinked, bewildered. "What? Who is who?"

Meaghan smiled, a brittle expression. "I know you've been seeing someone, out in the real world. Who is she? That Erin girl, who was so scandalized by my existence?"

Uh-oh. At least now I knew what was on her mind. "Erin is a good friend, nothing more," I said carefully. "What makes you think there's someone else?"

"Trapped I may be, Markus, but I'm no fool." Meaghan shifted on the bed, drawing her legs up beneath her. "You've been distracted lately, and what's more, you've got that look, that guilty, secretive look that's a dead giveaway for when you're hiding something."

"And that makes you think there's another woman?"

This was definitely getting into dangerous territory. I'd never told her about Allen, never told her about how little physical desire she inspired in me—why bother to crush her dream, when she had so little to sustain her in this dreadful half-life she was condemned to?

"It's okay, Markus," she said quietly, although her voice was suspiciously thick. "I don't expect you to go through life with no real contact with other women. That would hardly be fair to you."

"I don't care about other women," I said, truthfully enough.

"But you should. You're a young man. You shouldn't deny yourself the joys of life because of me."

Joys of life. Go ahead and say it, Meaghan—it's called sex. But the thing is, I'm not interested in sex with other women, just other men. Just one other man... And what do you think that's doing to my conscience, hmm?

"Don't be silly, Meaghan," I said instead. "Look, why would I want to go looking for someone else, when I have you?"

I smiled, but she didn't smile back. Instead she just looked at me with her sad eyes. "You're a bad liar, Markus. I know you far too well for you to get away with this. You've got someone, a lover, someone to keep you company in the real world. And that's all right... sort of." Now she smiled, a wry upward quirk of one side of her mouth. "I'd rather not share you with anyone, truth be told, but I know that's unrealistic. You're a young man. You need to touch, to be touched, to feel loved by more than a glorified lab specimen—"

"Meaghan," I cut her off, voice twisting with anguish. She was driving razor-sharp knives of guilt into me with every word. "I will love you always."

More guilt stabbed me, right through the heart. What, then, of Jeremiah? Unbidden, his face floated before my mind's eye, one of his rare smiles lighting his eyes with that luminous joy which—

No. Do not think of Jeremiah. Think instead of this lovely lady, whom you have grown so close to over the years, who has guided you and counseled you and helped you grow up... who loves you.

I moved closer to the glass, pressing my face up against it. Such a thin wall, this slender clear barrier keeping us apart, a bare inch of transparent material imprisoning Meaghan and saving the rest of humanity. "Meaghan," I whispered, hurting.

"Were I free, Markus," she responded, voice low and intense as she came up to the glass as well, "were I free to walk the halls of this place at your side, then I would be more concerned. Then no other would be allowed to come between us, because I would truly have you for my own, and I do not readily share the love of one such as you. But I am not. Why should I grudge you company through your long and lonely days, when I know your heart belongs to me? Why should I concern myself over one who gives you but fleeting pleasures of the flesh, when it is to me you turn with the desires of your soul?"

I had to close my eyes. I couldn't stand the accusation any more, the look in her eyes that said clearly I know what you do when you're away. "I won't betray your love," I whispered.

But I could still see him in my mind, just as clearly as though he stood there. Jeremiah teasing me in a briefing, or playing that little game he was so fond of in public: pretending to be opposed to anything I might say, then switching sides mid-argument just to throw the Council off stride. Or better yet, the look on his face right before he kisses me, the way he—

No, dammit! I will not think of that, or of how his skin feels under my hand, or... Meaghan is right here. She is the one I should be thinking of.

"It's no betrayal," she said, tracing her finger along the glass. "How can you betray me, when I'm trapped in here? I have no claim on you."

"Yes, you do," I said. No more Jeremiah.

"I will not hold your heart an unwilling captive, love."

"Not unwilling," I sighed. No more Jeremiah. The right decision, I was sure of it, but why did it hurt so bad? "I gave you my heart long ago."

But I hadn't. Meaghan must never know about that, how she has never been able to stir up the same feeling as Allen did, without even trying. Now that had been love, a truly deep emotional tie between the two of us, so strong that I still mourned his loss nearly ten years later. My feelings for Meaghan were different, but she couldn't know that. She needed to believe in me. She deserved better than me, though, better than someone who merely pretended love and attraction, rather than having the honesty to admit he only admired and respected her. True, I do love her. How could I not? She has been close friend and mentor for fifteen years. Then, too, there is the lure of the unobtainable: deny a person something, and that will be what he wants. I will never have Meaghan, which makes her utterly desirable, although if I'm honest, I'd have to admit more as a kind of trophy than any kind of sexual being. No, my desires in that department ran more towards...

No more Jeremiah.

"I have to go now," I said, moving away from the window. "But rest assured, there is no other woman. There will be no other woman. No one is as important to me as you are. Okay?"

"Whatever youu say, Markus," she said, with a small smile. "Go now, but remember—you will always be mine."

I turned and fled the room. No more Jeremiah.

Images tortured me, flashes of pleasure and passion, as I walked through the silent halls of the lowest levels. Sweet caresses, kisses stolen in brief moments of privacy... the ache of loneliness when he was gone.

The first night he stayed with me, how that strong and resilient soul had needed me so badly... and then the touch of lips in the darkness. How much can I get away with?

"No!" I cried out loud, turning aside from my lonely path to slam my hand against the wall. Another thing I'd picked up from Jeremiah: the tendency to hit inanimate objects as a form of stress relief. "How can I just give him up?"

What the hell kind of man am I becoming, that I can tell a woman I love her, lead her to believe it's true in a way not physically possible, and then run around behind her back with another man? And how the hell am I supposed to live with myself, like this? I have to choose. I must choose Meaghan. That is the right choice, the only possible choice, the only way I can go. There are no difficulties attached to Meaghan. No one will ever acuse me of showing her favoritism, and no one will ever be able to call me a pervert for loving her. I must stay with her, must stand by my word, must—

But the more I tried to deny them, the more the feelings, images, and memories continued to overwhelm me. I could feel him now, touching me, caressing me with that special tenderness... hear him accusing me of not caring about him. The guilt, it's eating me alive! Because he was right, before, and I do care, damn him and damn me. More than I care for Meaghan. But no... more... Jeremiah...

I pushed away from the wall, hand aching. That hadn't helped. The pain hadn't driven away the longing for Jeremiah's touch, the need to feel that solid body beneath my hands, the urgent desire for his kisses.

I was moving again, fighting a losing battle as I went, with a part of myself standing aside like a detached observer. Trouble, said the observer, noting that the conflict within was shredding my stability. Lust, guilt, and self-loathing washed over me in alternating waves. How can I be this way? How can I try so hard to be a decent man, yet betray the love of a good woman? And do damage to the man I committed the betrayal with, as well, for how would a sensitive and caring soul like Jeremiah react to knowing what kind of monster I truly am?

But rationality and resolve were losing out quickly. My subconscious had a say in the matter, as well, because I recognized a landmark that meant I was halfway to the rec room, where Jeremiah was likely to be at this hour.

Yes, that's it, I'll go in there and talk to him. I'll make sure he knows we can't continue this. He already thinks I don't really care, I'll just confirm it...

There he is. The sight of him has such a profound effect on me that I have to stop and take a deep breath before I can move in there.

Remember, now—no more Jeremiah.