I stood there in silence, watching her sleep. I wondered what she would say if she knew how often I came to visit her when she wasn't aware, no matter what she said about being able to sense visitors. She looked so innocent laying there, so peaceful and serene.

But was that innocence only skin deep? The similarities between Michael and Meaghan had rattled me down to the core. I really didn't want to think about it, but it was true... all she had to do was say something, and I'd fall all over myself trying to make her happy. How could this be? How in the world could I have been so blind, so completely and utterly blind, as to let her get such a hold over me?

Another uncomfortable thought. Bad enough that she could control me with a few words. Worse still to think that she was doing it on purpose, that she was deliberately manipulating me. But the most disgusting thing was that I'd let her. What ever happened to my ability to think for myself? To make my own decisions, to know what I wanted and how to get it...

What I want. Now, there's the rub, as my father used to say. What I really want has nothing to do with what I should want, and I'm beginning to think it's also got nothing to do with what I think I want.

I think that what I need, as opposed to want, is to get away and sort out my thoughts. How long has it been since I went to the old campsite? Too long. Not since Allen...

The memory of Allen is too much to bear right now. On top of all the other troubles, thoughts of him are entirely too painful. Why is it I feel like...

Hell. I don't know what I feel like. Who exactly am I betraying here, anyway? Meaghan, Jeremiah, Allen's memory... I need to get out of here. Yes.

I nodded. Erin would just have to take care of Meaghan for a while.

I left quietly, although for once I really didn't care if Meaghan was disturbed by me leaving or not. Reaching a decision had helped settle some of the conflict within me. True, my problem was nowhere near being solved, but at least I had some sense of where I was going now. I returned to the silent halls and set off in search of Erin.

She wasn't happy. By all of Meaghan's gods, she was not happy. But I wasn't about to let her get in my way.

"I'm sorry, Erin, but I absolutely have to get away for a little bit. Now be a good right hand and take care of things while I'm gone, will you?"

I left her with her jaw hanging. She may not ever forgive me for this, but if I don't get away, there may not be anything left of me to forgive.

Sometimes it's good to be the guy in charge here. No one questioned me on my way out or even tried to stop me. Still, it took a long time to reach the outside world.

How long had it been since I was outside alone? A very kong time, to say the least. What a pity I couldn't even enjoy it. There was only room in my mind for chaos and turmoil... and a sinking sense of betrayal. How could she? How could I...?

Jeremiah's face rose up in my mind's eye, angry and accusing: what kind of man are you, an eerie echo to my own thoughts. And then, the real pain... once you've given your heart to someone, you should remain fucking loyal to that person...

Allen...

Remember me, Markus. When I'm gone, promise that you'll always remember me.

"I promise, Allen," I whispered around the lump in my throat. Memories overlay the path I walked on, of times lost now to history. I wasn't seeing the green leaves or even the dry dirt of the roadway. I was seeing Allen, his laughing eyes and the special smile reserved for me alone... and what was left of him after he fell. My feet knew the way, even after all these years, leaving my mind free to remember my lost love.

It was hardly the first time thoughts of Allen had troubled me since I'd met Jeremiah. In fact, it was more of a constant battle to not see Allen's face looking at me, to not expect to hear his voice... I'd even thought I really had seen him, a time or two. I know it confuses and upsets Jeremiah when I leave him alone suddenly, but what can I do? Sometimes it's just too much to take, when I look at him and see another face... and I don't want to hurt him.

Of course, I already have. So much for good intentions.

The old campsite was dead ahead. I made my way through the brush, following the overgrown path, and climbed up to the top of the rock pile. The view spread out before me, an endless vista of green trees and mountains. I really should come here more often. Maybe being here will help me sort out this chaos once and for all.

And maybe, just maybe, Jeremiah will forgive me...