"What the hell is going on over here?" Obi-Wan strode into Maul's apartment, seriously annoyed. Last night had been another late night at the Gray Side, culmninating in the usual way. What was bothering him was that he had been rudely awakened by pounding, to find himself alone in bed with a hangover. So he took himself next door to discover the source of the noise, only to find... "Maulie?" He stared incredulously for a moment before bursting into laughter. "Don't call me that," Maul growled from his position in the corner. He was menaced by a pair of jeans, which even now struck out at his naked legs. Maul cleared the jeans with an amazing acrobatic leap, only to have them scurry across the floor after him. Obi-Wan dissolved in helpless laughter as the jeans took a swipe at his lover's legs. Maul jumped over the pants leg and scored a hit on the renegade pants with a spinning kick to their ass. Staggering woozily, the jeans backed off. In that moment of distraction, Maul attacked with all his might, wrestling them to the floor and ravaging them with his horns. The jeans gave one last effort, then died.
"Bravo! Bravo!" Obi-Wan applauded, still grinning. Maul snarled as he rose from the remains of what had once been his favorite black jeans.
"I was trying to find something to wear. But all my clothes had other ideas." Grumpily he sat on the bed. "They ran out the door. I barely caught this pair of jeans."
"And now look at them! Well, I guess this means you'll have to go shopping." Maul snarled.
"They're perfect," Obi-wan insisted. Maul, tired of people staring at his tight leather pants- the only ones that hadn't run out the door earlier- was willing to agree. He whammied the clerk into giving him the jeans without a second thought and dragged the protesting Obi-Wan out of the store, to plunge into the madness of the mall yet again.
"Absolutely perfect," Obi-Wan continued, as they hurried through the mall. "Just think, you'll never need to do laundry again. Just press the little button, and presto! The self-replicating jeans do their trick."
Maul growled and ran over a gawking teenager. "This had better work," he replied, not entirely convinced. True, the sales clerk had replicated a pair of jeans right there on the spot, but how long could such a thing last?
"Ahhh... ball room," Maul sighed, as he zipped up the new jeans. They were a much better fit than the leather pants.
"I want to see," called Obi-Wan from the living room. Maul strutted out, enjoying the freedom of movement.
"Oooh, nice..." Obi-Wan grinned appreciatively. "But I'm afraid you'd look better out of them."
"Go ahead, try to get me out of these jeans," Maul grinned. "After all you went through to get me into them in the first place..."
Obi-Wan attacked. The two wrestled each other to the ground, rolling about the floor and accidentally flattening a burgeoning pizzabox civilization. Then Maul felt something weird.
"What the hell-?" "Oh, sorry- I think I pushed your button."
Maul let out a most undignified squawk. Then there were two of him!
"What the fuck?" the two Mauls said in unison, before dividing again.
"Shite," whispered Obi-Wan, staring wide eyed at the Mauls as they slowly filled up the apartment. "Get your pants off! Maybe that will help!"
One Maul did so, yanking off his pants. The rest just stared at each other with blank looks on their faces.
"Dear Force, there's twenty of you! What are we going to do with twenty of you?" His hormones provided several interesting suggestions. He ignored them. On the floor, the pants which had caused the problem continued to replicate. One Maul got an evil look on his face and dashed out the door. The rest of them looked at each other, looked at the original Maul, then followed.
"Get your asses back here!" Maul howled, recovering from his shock enough to move. They were too quick for him, though. He dashed out into the hallway to see the last of him vanishing into the elevator. "Um, Maul?"
"Don't you think you'd better put some clothes on?"
"This had better work," muttered Obi-Wan, as he peered around the corner of the building. In front of the apartment were three of the clones, doing fascinating things to Mace Windu's new car.
"It will. Trust me, I know myself." Maul nudged him. "Go on, do it."
Obi-Wan heaved a sigh and stepped out in the open, allowing an unimpeded view of his kilt-clad form. "Oh, Maul!" he called. Three heads snapped around to stare at him.
As one, the Mauls attacked. Obi-Wan ran around the corner, with the clones hard on his heels. The real Maul stunned them quickly.
"Now what do we do with them?"
Somewhere in the Universe, the fairy in charge of wish fulfillment sat up and took notice. "I need an agent there, now!" he snapped.
"I can help you with that problem," said a newcomer, slighly out of breath.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I am an adjunct to the office of Wish-fulfillment Fairy. Apparently there's a backlog of orders for Darth Maul as a sex slave on a backwater world called Earth. I'll take all of them you can catch."
"Well, I guess it's all right..." Obi-Wan said doubtfully. "I mean, we are exclusive, but it's not really cheating if they're your clones..."
"Oh, just get rid of them!" Maul snapped. The fairy- or whatever- beamed with relief and the three clones vanished.
"Excellent! How many more are there?"
"Three down, seventeen to go...."
"How many does that make?" Obi-Wan panted. This last clone had been remarkably fast and agile, almost like the real thing.
"Let's see... three at the car, one corrupting innocent children, two whammying the pizza man, two playing doubles on the Play Station... plus this one, makes eight. Twelve more..."
Obi-Wan sighed, wiping the sweat from his brow. So much for the good idea of self-replicating pants...
"Got him! Woohoo! Isn't this the last?"
Evil laughter drifted around the corner. "Noooooo..... Not the Temple! Please don't go in the Temple!!!"
"And on the lighter side of news today," the newscaster rattled off with a fake smile, "Several people dressed up as the good Senator Palpatine's rather odd ward raised havoc all over Coruscant today."
Screen shows a shot of a clone booting Master Yoda out the door of the Jedi Temple.
"Sith you are!" Yoda screamed.
Switch to shot of Maul dueling with nine Jabba's Witnesses.
Insert clip of Obi-Wan running frantically, three clones pursuing him, chanting "Kilt! Sex! Now!!"
"City officials aren't sure what to make of this, especially during an election year...."
The real Maul buried his face in his hands and sank into the sagging embrace of his couch, while across the galaxy twenty shrieks of glee rang out as the wish fulfillment fairy made good on his word...
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